Guess Issa journal

hypocrisy

well I'm sitting here sipping my coffee, the only substance that brings me some joy, thinking about the essay deadlines I have and all the other factors of my life that stress me to the max when a thought occurs to me. 

I'm a hypocrite. a major one, to be exact. 

I chat all this shit about eradicating the taboo and stigma that surrounds depression, suicide and anxiety yet here I am suffering in silence because I cant talk about my feelings to actual people and not a screen. I don't talk about my feelings because I don't want people to treat me different or judge me in some way, but then again people SHOULD treat me different because the way I'm treated by some members of my family isn't fair and honestly just sinks me into a further depression. How do I expect the taboo ad stigma to disappear when me and so many others are still too scared to talk about how we feel and our emotions? I mean I know that there are people who will listen but its such a daunting thought. 

I know that one of the reasons I refuse to talk to my family about my depression and anxiety is because I know that they're 100% just going to throw it back in my face. I've been told that I have it so much more easier than other people around the world and my upbringing was loads more better than theirs. If I told them how much I think about killing myself on the daily then they wouldn't understand and just throw it back in my face.

I mean I am very aware that other people have it worse than me but it doesn't erase my pain and just because I had a better upbringing than them it doesn't mean that mine was good. it just wasn't as bad as theirs. I still experienced family fights from a VERY young age. verbal, emotional and physical abuse was pretty much a norm in my family household so I cant really see why they wouldn't understand why I'm such a mess.