Guess Issa journal

A message for me.

i don't have much to say but i felt like i needed to come here and just ramble. i can't stop thinking about life and death. The permanence of one and the temporariness of the other. we have such short lives and we spend so much of it doing crap that doesn't matter, caring for people that dont matter and thinking about shit that doesn't matter. we all know that we're going to die, that's the only guarantee we have in life but i wonder how different life would be if the 'when' of our death came packaged with us when we're born. what if we lived knowing exactly when we're going to die, how different would life look like then? would people still linger on stupid shit? would we still go to that 9-5 miserable job? i wonder.  I guess its hard and part of the life we live trying to figure out what the stupid shit is exactly. i want more from life. i demand it furthermore. i refuse to be just another statistic or deprive myself of possibilities. I could be so so much and honestly I never even thought I would be alive long enough to have the chance to explore. Tomorrow or the next breathe i take is not guaranteed. Who the fuck knows what life has planned for me but isn't that fun? Why would i limit myself trying to plan my whole life out? why would i rob myself of opportunities and narrow the open road laid ahead of me? 

I watch so many movies and shows and finding myself wanting a story like that but really and truly what is stopping me? maybe we should all romanticize our lives more. Live your teenage rebellion, take in the wind and the birds chirping and live your life like you're the star and not a side character of your own story. You're more than what that little voice tells you. As much as i believe that everything is written, you have the power and the control to navigate your life. Once quarantine is over I'm going to live my life the way i want to. I'm going to skateboard, have picnics on a hill with the sun setting, style myself with my dream aesthetic, be RECKLESS, travel with my friends and create as much memories as my mind can take. I'm so blessed and i need to make the most of that. Too many have lost their lives and i don't want to lose mine because i'm not ready by a longshot. There's so much i can do and so much i haven't seen yet.

I'm still struggling with getting myself out of the past and not letting it rule my present but I'm okay with that. I've accepted that the past isn't something that you need to block from memory or avoid, rather it should be embraced and used  to learn from. Everything serves its purpose and if you fail to see that then its been wasted. That's why i don't think i could ever regret anything. i wouldn't be the person that i am today and wishing for anything different in my life would be deleting the me that i am now. I do find myself thinking about it though. All the 'what ifs'.. what if i never met him? what if i stayed away? What if i said yes?