Guess Issa journal

changing

so earlier on I was looking through my drawers and I came across this picture of me when I was 4/5 and It just struck me how different I am. how much older I am. how much innocence and confidence I've lost. I sat there in my bedroom huddled up against my bed just trying so hard to remember my childhood or at least the moments in it that were good. it didn't work and I came up short because I didn't have a great childhood I guess and I don't even know why. I was just never happy and well...not much has changed in that aspect. 

I actually remember running to the bathroom whenever I was unhappy and sitting on the closed toilet seat wishing I was dead. when I think back to that it just makes me more sad because I was far too young to be saying that stuff let alone wanting it or thinking about it. after staring a hole into that old picture of me I thought about how if I was to meet a younger version of myself I don't think the younger version of myself would be very happy with how I turned out lol. 

I always imagined myself when i was a kid to be this confident, slim, stylish person with lots of friends and dreams when I got older. 

guess I failed in that too. 

I have no idea why I'm feeling so emotional today to be honest. My emotions have been a whirlpool. so many just swarming around me and suffocating me almost. anger. sadness. happiness. anxiety. its all too much sometimes and I never thought that I would be like this.

loneliness. lmao I forgot to mention that. I feel like that has been the most significant suffocating emotion of all. I feel so fucking lonely all the god damn time. I don't feel like I can really talk to anybody because they all get sick of me sooner or later even if they don't actually say it to me. I'm too emotional and depressed and people don't always want to be burdened with comforting me or talking about my issues with me because I mean...I have too many and I don't want to make people feel more upset because of me. I asked a friend what didn't he like about me or what I do that annoys him and do you know what he said? 

"maybe how you're always depressed" "I hate when you're sad and depressed". 

I was sort of expecting it but that expectation didn't do anything to subside the wave of sadness that consumed me after hearing that. lmao I couldn't say anything but "oh" because I asked for it. 

I hope before I turn 18 in December I've changed just a little bit because I don't like the person I've become at all. not one bit.