Guess Issa journal

disassociating.

sjkjdhsakjdhsjk..... I'm not really sure why I'm writing. I guess I've just got to that point where I really have nobody to talk to. I've pushed everyone away or cut them off or I just cant bring myself to talk about my feelings. Lately I've really just been feeling really distant to everyone, like I'm there but not really because my mind is elsewhere. my body and heart just feels so fucking heavy and I cant help but feeling like I'm everybody else's anchor and I'm just quietly sinking...drowning without anybody noticing lol. I cant even really be happy and mean it because once I'm out of the public eye and nobody is paying attention to me, the façade drops and the depression crawls back to the forefront of my mind and is just my own sleep paralysis monster. it paralyses me. 

What is it about me? why cant I ever just form a connection with someone and it actually lasts? stuck being an emotionally unavailable wreck. 

I guess that's kind of why I want to get high. form of escapism maybe. I just want to not exist for a while. being so completely and utterly lost in your own head probably wouldn't be the best idea for an unstable person such as myself but well I gotta admit, its a fantasy of mine. saucy right? honestly I really have just gotten to the point where I'm just making a joke of my entire existence. I get the feeling it scares people and I end up being the one comforting them that its all okay. ironic. 

She got called crazy but to be honest, Alice was the lucky one.