Guess Issa journal

floating

sooooo..a week or two ago I was in a really bad state. My depression was spiralling and everything was out of my control. I was trapped in a situation that I could not control and I was frozen. my sisters found out about sad boy and were insanely close to finding out about my sexuality. my sister lets call her Mel threatened to smash my iPhone if I didn't unlock my phone because she was convinced I was hiding something which I kind of was but I didn't respond because I chose that moment in my whole life to be silent. 

she wasn't bluffing.

to be honest though I would rather her smash my phone instead of her finding out about me, clearly. A phone can be replaced but knowledge cant. Once you know something you can't UN-know it no matter how much you try. Mel and my other sisters kind of know about my depression but just said that they went through worse and gave me all that bullshit. 

Right now I'm kind of just in bed listening to the Wilhelm scream and just being unsure of what exactly it is that I am feeling right now. I feel like I'm floating or I'm just sad and I don't really know why. I've been feeling like that a lot right now and I think my friends are starting to notice. I would be in class just sitting there all silent and shit and zoning out, I try to cover it up but I don't think I'm doing a good job. I know I chat all this shit about nobody noticing but the truth is even if they did notice I'm not sure I could open up to them. I've realised talking about how I feel is becoming a struggle for me. which sucks.

In other news, my birthday is in 8 days. I will be turning 18, a supposedly turning point age. An age where people take you more seriously and you're an adult. An age where if you're not religious you can involve yourself in a number of now legal activities. on MY 18th birthday I will most likely be doing nothing with nobody because I have decided not to let people know about it. if they know then they know, so be it. it wouldn't make much of a difference because nobody would be planning elaborate surprises or gifting me. I mean its only my 18th birthday right. other people get huge number balloons or surprise parties or outings, nah no me though. I get to binge on Netflix lol...

it could be worse I suppose.

the good news for this pitiful chapter of my life is that I feel closer to my parents now? I know what a surprise but I don't know I feel like my dad is putting in the effort to talk to me and show me he loves me. which is kind of all I really wanted. I wanted my parents to show me that they love me and they are slowly doing that so that makes me happy.