Guess Issa journal

all a bit of fun until someone gets hurt.

okay so its the 3rd of march and I'm still absolute crap at this whole keeping up with the journal thing. Not much has really happened since I last did an entry...actually that's a lie. nothing MAJOR has happened but a surprising turn of events.

My relationship with my sisters has improved drastically, I guess that's because I've become a lot more careful about what I put up online and who I follow etc. I'm not gonna lie, some of the things that were said to me resonated with me. I took heed in what they said and I suppose I've changed because of the events that took place and the words that were said. Now that one sister has found out about sad boy she keeps finding ways to throw shade which is aggravating but at least she hasn't told Mel. lol she probably hasn't because she knows if she did my life would be over. 

Speaking of sad boy, he recently popped up to me but I was a strong female and denied his friend request on snap, not that it helped because soon after unbeknownst to me his friend added me. his friend told me that sad boy really needed to talk to me and he made it seem urgent and I couldn't live with myself knowing I refused to help sad boy when he needed me because I know what he's like and the darkness that tends to consume him. so I added him on snapchat to offer my ears and some care. I don't regret it because he needed to know that he's not uncared for. the day after I gave my support I told him that I don't want to go down that route again of talking and stopping with him because it doesn't last and it wouldn't be good for me because I've changed as a person and with him things are different. to which he replied that he seems to be a "big ball of negativity" for me. I felt so god damn bad after he said that because the worst thing I could've done is hurt him and make his depression worse. I spoke to a friend about it and he said that sad boy is emotionally manipulating me etc and I'm being gullible and naïve. I don't think that's necessarily true though, how can caring about someone and not wanting them to kill themselves be a symptom of gullibility?

Anyways remember that entry about losing sparked connections quickly and not being able to maintain them? what a bloody coincidence that the same shit happens in the last couple of weeks. there was someone and we definitely had a connection, it wasn't romantic for me but it was for him. it didn't last very long. throughout the whole duration of us talking to each other I would be telling him that it wouldn't go anywhere and he should give up his romantic advances on me. he gave up after he practically forced me to claim that I don't like white boys when I don't really care about race. I only told him that so he could further his advances on someone else that would actually like him back in that way and he wouldn't continue wasting his time on me. it was funny though because he twisted shit and said I just been wasting his time this whole time and made him feel like a fool when that's precisely what I was trying to avoid. it was really nice talking to him though but I guess I lost another person due to my emotional unavailability and lack of ability to maintain connections. it just sucks that's all.

on the other hand there are a couple people I'm not sure I'm quite interested in but they're definitely catching my eye. One is this transgender guy in my philosophy class and I don't know what it is but I find him so fascinating. He's like this big ball of sarcastic energy and sunshine. its refreshing. Even his style matches his personality, its so outgoing and carefree. I guess I find him interesting because he's what I wish I could be. carefree and open. lmao I feel a little awkward with him though and that shows so badly. it probably because I have this irrational fear of the gay radar, I feel like he's gonna sniff me out and make a random outburst in the middle of class and point his colourful jewelled finger at me and be like " I PRONOUNCE YOU THE GAYEST MOFO OUT HERE" or some shit. 

The other guy is in my graphics class and I'm not really sure how I feel about him to be honest. he gives me strange vibes, he's cute and all but idk I frequently catch myself looking over my shoulder at him so there's that. 

my life is hopelessly boring and dry and I just wish the person I'm meant to be with can just show up and introduce themselves because I'm tired of this shit and I doubt I already know this person so yh they gonna have to introduce themselves to me because I'm an introverted and socially awkward person as we've established.