Guess Issa journal

anyways

dijndwdnsjdskdn yeah so basically a little update since I last wrote about my life about 4 months ago. Not THAT much has happened...I ended up messaging sad boy because I felt way too bad. so I checked up on him because I was worried he might've done something a bit stupid. we ended up continuing to talk and honestly? it was pretty nice. for a bit things started heating up and it was leading somewhere that I didn't want it to so about a week before I left for Turkey I told him that I only wanted to be friends with him because I couldn't get over my guilt since this is all very haram. I don't believe I made the wrong decision in fact I'm happy that I said what I said because its unfair of me to lead him on and make him think I feel something when I don't. he deserves more than that and I cannot give him the comfort that he seeks. he was pretty upset though and we didn't talk for about a week because I decided to give him his space and he agreed, he's also agreed that after what I said he only sees me as a friend...idk about that though but it makes me happy the feeling is mutual.

sad boy is just one of those people that I have such a connection with and we both know each other inside and out. he's a soulmate, maybe not romantically but friendship wise? deffo. I cannot imagine what my life would've been like had I not met him. I don't know. I went out the other day with my friend and i was telling her about sad boy and she was questioning whether I'm just telling myself that I don't like him romantically because apparently whenever I talk about him my face lights up?? ALL of my friends have said this and its like???? really?

Anyways enough about sad boy, I've finished college around mid-june and its July now. I haven't really done much this holiday tbh pretty much just stayed at home and watched shows and movies. gone out a couple times to the park with friends. its been a disappointing summer. 

OH

I went to turkey Antalya for a week literally straight after exams finished and I'm glad I did that after exams because it was a fantastic distraction. Antalya was absolutely amazing, weather was beautiful and the resort was so chill. wish I went for longer and I had the balls to get with the quad bike instructor who was the only one that caught my eye. 

I am shitting bricks over results day, I know that I'm gonna get crappy results because I know I did not try that hard but boiiiii I'm throwing out as much positive energy as I can and hoping that the law of attraction does its thang. I could really use it right now too. Lately my anxiety has been going haywire and I've been on edge a lot. maybe its because it was pride month and my families homophobic nature has been heightened. its like every question is a bash to gay people like fuckkkkk we get it. gay people = bad. its so fucking stupid like its honestly nothing to do with you so why are they so bothered about what other people are doing with their lives??

...just makes me wonder how they'll react with me.