[[[忘羡 | WangXian 1]] : The Second Kiss That Came Too Soon

[15.] The darkest ocean.

Wei Ying pulled himself away, without warning, clenched his eyes shut, and subconsciously squeezed Lan Zhan's arm really hard. The boy on top stopped dead in his steps, not daring to move at all any more.

- I am so sorry, Lan Zhan.  -  Wei Ying cried.  –  I can't. I can't do this... I am just so scared!!!     

He started sobbing, and curling into a ball hid his face in his elbows.

Lan Zhan moved away, staring at him. Was this...finally....rejection? 

He breathed heavily, unable to speak, watching Wei Ying cry, hiding his face from him.

- You thought... - he started coarsely. –  ... you thought that... I was going to.... hurt... you...

Wei Ying could not speak. He felt so weak and ashamed, and his heart was crying, for he knew that he had just hurt Lan Zhan deeply.

Lan Zhan rolled over, and away from him, and looked into the fire. Was it over? Was that it? Maybe this is all he deserved. Maybe this was all he was going to get. Maybe this had to be enough.

He never realized that tears were falling down his cheeks; he was crying in complete silence.

Wei Wuxian dared not speak; he dared not touch him. He was watching his back, his scars, feeling how lonely he was again. They were lying next to each other, but both were alone.

"... sacrificing yourself for others... Shijie..."  –  Wei Ying was sobbing.     

"How can I love somebody without hurting them? How can I love somebody without sacrifices? Without compromise? Who can answer these questions for me? Who knows the answers?"

***

Minutes passed. Maybe hours. 

He finally gathered some courage to come closer and peek over Lan Zhan's shoulder. Was he sleeping? He had been so quiet for so long... No, not sleeping. Tears. Those golden eyes were swimming in a darker ocean that even the fire nearby could not illuminate. Wei Ying's heart was breaking. He didn't mean to be cruel, never cruel.

- Lan... Lan Zhan?  –  he tried to call him, but he had no voice. He wasn't sure if that whisper had reached him.

He placed his palm on Lan Zhan's back, which sent a shiver all over the slender body. Ignoring this, his hand slowly caressed him, slid down his ribs and rested on his belly. 

Not a sound.

Wei Ying came closer and hugged Lan Wangji's back, and he didn't resist. Wei Ying tried to imagine what lovers do, what a person in love would do in a situation like this. He had never had love, he never had to show love to another. Not like this.

His cheek rested against the pale white skin, and he kissed the back, the shoulders and the neck of the one who was so dear to him. He slowly caressed his arms, his hair, never daring to face him; his back was enough, for now...

- I am so sorry, my love... -  he murmured, burying his face into the slender frame he grew to know so well tonight.

***

Lan Zhan was feeling numb.

The little kisses and caresses were a peace offering, but his heart could only forgive so much. It was too much.  

Too much for one day. Too much for one lifetime. 

But then he  spoke, and the words  came; words he had never hoped to hear. 

He turned around to face his lover.