[[[忘羡 | WangXian 1]] : The Second Kiss That Came Too Soon

[42.] Take me back to the Cloud Recesses. (II)

***

There wasn't a discussion even about the ride back to the Cloud Recesses. 

Wei Ying had learned to trust Lan Zhan implicitly; he was absolutely certain that the Lan boy had his best interest in mind. They were riding together; he would be annoyed at times about his lover's excessive worry and cares for him, but at times he was also rather grateful, as he needed his strength more often than he liked to admit.

Lan Zhan took care of all the preparations for their journey back, stubbornly refusing all and any help on the part of Wei Ying. He would insist that the boy "needed rest", and would busy himself with all arrangements. It drove Wei Ying insane.

- I am not  an invalid, you know!  –  he would yell at him.

- You were dying  in my arms not three days ago, so shut up!  –  Lan Zhan would yell back, and they would both sulk. 

They were getting home 2 days too early, but Lan Zhan would not take any more chances; he was scared to the bottom of his heart that if bad came to worse, he would not be able to do anything to help Wei Ying, and he dreaded feeling that devastating helplessness from a few days ago ever again.

Wei Ying was leaning against Lan Zhan's strong body, feeling sad and uncertain about their future. They had to go back, and start pretending again –pretending they were just friends. Were they engaged now? He guessed so. 

He felt the protection of Lan Wangji's strong arms around him, and he knew that he would defend him against everyone and everything, even at the cost of his own life, his own blood. He didn't want that. He didn't believe he deserved such devotion. No one  deserved such devotion.

- I am going to tell my brother, you know.  –  Lan Zhan murmured suddenly.

- Mmm?  –  Wei Ying was sleepy from the monotonous journey and the heat of high noon.

- I am planning to tell my brother about us. I want to make it official. About our wedding. I am serious about this.  –  Lan Zhan explained, his face expression set in stone. – He is the Clan Leader. He will make the decision how things will proceed. I am sure our uncle will be furious, but all I care about is Lan Xichen's opinion.

- Do you think he'll understand?  –  Wei Ying asked sadly.

- I hope so. If not, I will take things into my own hands.  –  Lan Zhan gnashed his teeth.

Sometimes he scared Wei Ying a little. He was rarely truly angry, but whenever he was – he could be brutal. The boy still remembered the night hunt and how Lan Wangji literally obliterated a small army, all by himself, just because he was frustrated and angry. He had extraordinary strength and stamina, and he could crash bones with ease. Wei Wuxian would never want to be his enemy.

- Lan Zhan... Do you think I should perhaps go back to Lotus Pier?  –  Wei Ying asked.

There was a pause.

- Do you want to? Do you miss...home?  –  Lan Zhan asked, his heart sinking.

Wei Ying shook his head.

- It's not that. But maybe... I don't know. It would be easier for everyone.  –  he murmured.

Lan Zhan halted the horse and faced him.

- Easier?  –  he snapped. – You think it will be easier? For everyone? For me?!

Wei Ying grinned awkwardly.

- Ah, calm down, Shizun! I didn't mean it like that!  –  he raised his hands apologetically.  –  I mean... I will definitely miss you... - he whispered breathlessly. - Like... a lot...  -  his eyes filled with tears; he remembered what life was like without the one who held his heart. – But maybe... it would be...best... for everyone.  -  he sobbed.

Lan Zhan's heart was breaking. He hated this about Wei Wuxian – the fact that he was always all too ready to sacrifice himself, his own happiness, for the sake of others, for the sake of peace. His face was distorted by pain that was too strong to hide behind a stony mask.

- If you want to go – then go. But do it because you want to. Do it for yourself. Don't do it for me, or for others.  –  he said bitterly.

- Forgive me, Lan Zhan.  

Wei Ying hid his face in his chest and cuddled up to him as far as he could go, wrapping his arms around Lan Zhan's waist. 

He felt that his words hurt the Lan boy too much.

They rode in silence. Lan Zhan's mind was working at full capacity, calculating, making plans, wondering how he could help his fiancé, what was the best course of action. It was so complicated, there were so many variables to be taken into account that he felt dizzy. He realized that very little really depended on him, and the awful feeling of anticipation and the unknown was crashing him under its weight. 

The feeling of having no control over things was devastating.