Dark Thoughts

100

A/N: To celebrate Chapter 100- one of my biggest and constant anxiety is explained here. Not to the full extent though. It may seem trivial to you however this thought affects me greatly. It sort-of turned into a ramble and a mess at the end. Be sensitive. Please.

***

"Do you want a drink?"

Being a part of the legal alcohol drinking age group, I have yet to have my first drink.

And people always ask why.

I have yet to tell them the truth.

I usually skirt around the question and give smaller bullshît answers that seem to satisfy them.

But there is a whole other part to my reasoning.

AND HERE IT IS:

I am scared.

I am scared of repeating history- repeating what had happened for generations due to genetics.

I am scared that I will end up exactly like them.

Not coping.

Not being strong enough to say no.

Not being able to limit myself and only save a drink for a special occasion.

For making my kids see me in many ways- both unflattering and embarrassing.

I don't want that to happen.

I am scared of my potential reaction.

Will I be a happy drunk?

Will I be an emotional drunk?

Will I let every secret and desire escape my lips in a drunken ramble?

I am scared of having no control over my actions.

That I might do something that I will regret.

Do I want to drink?

Yes, yes I do.

Every time I go out with my friends I want to be with them in the supposed drunken happy place.

I want to let go.

But I can't.

I must be in control.

I need to be aware of everything that is happening.

I've heard too many bad stories to outweigh the good.

No solid reason has managed to sway my mind.

***

I suppose, yes, you could argue that I am being unreasonable.

That I am overreacting.

And I probably am.

But I just can't help it.

***

I am scared.

I am scared to be just that bit more grown up than I am used to.

I am scared of making mistakes.

I feel like drinking would lead to a lot of mistakes.

***

Why is there so much goddamn pressure?!

I want to drink- but I'm not dying if I don't have an alcoholic beverage in my lifetime.

But why does everyone make it seem like I am going to die if I don't have a drink right now!

Why?

Is it another important milestone?

Another major stepping stone in life?

You can't be an adult unless you've had a drink right?

No?

Well then why?!

No good memory has been affiliated with drinking.

I don't want to drink unless I'm absolutely sure that I will be able to associate something positive with it.

I've seen a lot of things.

And it makes drinking seem worse.

It makes it look like a horrible mental block- from the first drop to the last drop; not a single memory stored.

I want to remember the good not the ugly.

***

I am scared of repeating the same mistakes as past generations whether genetic or otherwise.

I just want some control.

But I want to feel free.

Should I just cave in and let go?

Just give up and get inebriated?

Just forget about everything and get blind?

Forget about my personal morals and thoughts as they all fly away with all of the fûcks I give?

***

All of these thoughts pass through my mind every time someone asks me:

"Do you want a drink?"