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I don't get it.

Caring.

I mean it is great- caring, that is- everyone wants someone to look after them.

But, it is something- for some reason- that I cannot accept.

I don't know what it is.

I don't know why.

But I feel like I have to be a superhero and help everyone ALL THE TIME.

I come later.

You come first.

***

It comes naturally too.

It just happens.

I end up acting like a parent.

***

BUT when someone tries to help me... It just doesn't work.

I almost don't trust them.

If they do something for me, I have to turn around and do it again myself.

***

When someone says they will take care of me- it is weird. I don't expect to be cared for.

I automatically take care of you.

Some weird reaction.

Robot-like.

I must clean.

I must help.

I must ask: 'are you okay?'

***

What sometimes annoys me is that if someone says they will take care of me it is either a) suffocating or b) not enough.

And I can't decide whether I want to be protected and helped or if I want to be independent.

One moment I will want you to carry my books-

The next I will be wrenching them out of your hands and into my own, telling you to leave me alone.

***

Who really cares?

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