Anything For Love[Roger Taylor fan fiction]

Flotation Devices

 "There's no way to be sure but you could have been pregnant many days before but each day your body has an increase in human chorionic gonadotropin or hCG. So if that's not a large amount, the test won't be accurate. Or it won't show there is a human in you." Marnie was trying to explain to the two of you. 

It was making more and more sense than without that last section but was also extremely hard to grasp.

Fucking hCG. 

Fucking everything.

Why couldn't one thing go right. 

At first, it was the pain and depression of not being able to conceive a child but now you DID and fucking killed it. 

Fuck whatever Marnie says, something you did killed the only thing you wanted. 

You fucking idiot killed it because you suck and can't do anything right. Not a single fucking thing right. Your dad was right, you were a dumb-ass kid who had no clue of what she was doing. 

(Small SH trigger warning)

In those early times, you hurt inside. You hurt yourself to distract his malicious words from penetrating your mind.

Little did you know, they already had.

You wanted to scream at this moment. You always wanted to scream. 

Your whole life was a huge urging scream that crept up your throat every single fucking time something happened. And in your 20+ years, you never got to accomplish that scream so you continue to push it farther and farther down.

"Just scream. Just do it. Hah, what would they think of you then? Marnie and Roger would hate you even more just like every other single person hates you." 

You are a large piece of shit that has just kept getting passed around. Nobody wants it, why would they. It's shit.

That's why you clung to Leah for so long. 

You've clung to her since 1st grade when you guys met. 

You clung to her for dear life because if you had ever let go of a flotation device, you would drown. And then you found she was the flotation device for you. 

Because when Kaylin abandoned you in 8th grade and she was your previous floatie. 

Oh, she abandoned you much before that but she painfully dragged you. 

Through gravel and drama and pain and more sadness. 

You always really knew people didn't like you but that's when you realized everyone hated you. 

Your dad, mom, brother, stepmom, stepdad. 

Closer people because farther relatives didn't see the shitty side of you as often but now you wonder if all sides of you are shitty.

You hated your body to the point where you starved yourself because you were bullied for being the "fat" kid.  You would cry yourself to sleep after a night of intentionally bleeding. You wouldn't drink water or sleep or eat because you "don't deserve it". 

Then once you could, you drowned yourself in booze, sex, friends. Other things.

You were only 14.

Now you had your dream body sure but you had scars. You had too many scars. Scars you could see internally. But outside scars. Not anymore. It's mostly tattoos but they were still there no matter what ink was pushed into your flesh.