The Woman in the Letter

PART 6

During the day, I only worked to distract myself and avoid questions from my co-workers. I constantly reviewed all the projects, re-examined all the necessary and unnecessary archive projects. That night I invited some of my colleagues to the wedding. Therefore, it was inevitable that everyone at work would be aware of what had already happened. In addition, I noticed that some of my coworkers stopped talking when I entered the room.

It was like I shot myself with a weapon I didn't know was full. I couldn't believe it... I couldn't believe that everything changed so suddenly in a short time. How has he managed to hide his true identity so far ?! Could it be my decision alone that made him act that way ?! But it is unfair to take all responsibility for all the things that happened. Or maybe I'm running away from the truth, trying to calm down my inner voices which do not let me sleep since that day.

I looked at the picture on my desk we had taken together on Pauls's 31st birthday. That was the same day, Paul introduced me to his family. And that was the same day I felt that I don't feel comfortable that our relationship was getting more serious. When he brought me home at the end of the night, he kissed me in the car and squeezed a small piece of paper into my palm.

"Read before bed" he whispered in my ear. In the letter, he wrote that the thought of spending a day without me frightened him.

Without you, I feel like I'm breathless. I don't remember what I did before you, who I was. Most importantly, it doesn't matter anymore. I have you. You have me. I have everything now, Natalie. I love you.

I opened the back of the frame, took out the picture inside, and cut it into pieces. My next job would be to burn all the letters as soon as I got home and delete all the e-mails he sent (sometimes he would write e-mails to me when he was out of town. He believes that e-mail is the same as letters but electronic). I was planning to do all this not because I hated him, but because I did not dare to face his love for me.

When I left the office, Ms. Kamala finally took the opportunity to approach me. She was one of the few people who kept the hairstyle of the 80s. She would never take off his small, frameless round glasses. Despite being in his 50s, he sometimes tried to treat younger people as if she was the same age as them, and from the outside, she looked very artificial. She touched my arm carefully and said, "I wanted to talk to you all day. But I knew that if I got closer, everyone would do the same thing. it would be annoying for you to answer everyone's questions one by one. They die to gossip, to bully. Tell me, how are you? "

She was one of the leaders of the office's gossip team. I knew she was not worried about me, she just needed new materials to talk about tomorrow, and Ms. Kamala knew very well how to get the information.

I had to walk to the road with her after work. While she was talking to me about the wedding night (Yes...She was also invited. Unfortunately), I looked around. I was happy that I am not alone. Because if Paul would come to see me again He would not dare to approach me. It was few steps to reach the driver. He was waiting for me on the corner of the road.

As soon as I returned to the edge of the building, I saw him. As if a strong wind had blown on my face, I froze. He was holding a red rose and a small piece of paper. He hadn't shaved his face in days, wearing black pants and a black leather jacket. Many of my co-workers who saw him did not talk about how nice we were, but about how nice he was. He pulled his hair back with his hand and tried to tidy it up. As he approached me, I noticed that his eyes were deep, his eyelids darkened, and the shine on his face was faded.

Mrs. Kamala said "Natalie" in a quiet voice and wanted to say something to me. But she couldn't find anything to say in this situation.

"Do not worry. You go" I told her "My driver is already there"

Mrs. Kamala looked at me and then at Paul without saying anything and left us alone. Paul did not come very close to me. He held out the flower in his hand and looked into my eyes. He seemed to be tired to hold himself from crying.

"You know I'm not going to accept that," I said. I touched my hair and slightly itched my nose. Paul also knew that I always do this when I was excited or nervous. I was jealous. Because he was still so bright even when he was so depressed. I closed the first button of my brown coat and tried to look neat. I didn't know why I did it, even though I didn't have any feelings for him.

The voice of "Forgive me" was trembling.

I could not hide my excitement, "I have only one reason to stand face to face with you." I said. I felt defeated in front of him. "Maybe I started all of this. But I am not responsible for the consequences. Paul, I said that night. And I repeat now. I don't love you"

"I don't want to hear that," he interrupted, but I continued, ignoring him.

"Paul, I am not mad at you. I would always remember you as a good person. But Until that night "

"Natalie, I know I made a big mistake. But you have to understand. I lost myself. I couldn't stand to be without you"

"After that night, I wished I never saw you again. I'm trying to forget you. I do not know how to get rid of this trauma. Because of you, I lost my faith in other people."

"You are telling this because you are angry," he said, looking into my eyes to make sure. But when he saw that there was not the slightest glimmer of hope, he shrugged. "Natalie, everything can't end overnight. I promise to correct my mistake "

"Paul there is nothing to fix. It should end here. We have to stop here now. You can't force me to love you"

"There must be a reason"

"Sometimes you don't need to have a reason for something you don't want. You just don't want to. You just don't feel it "

"You mean you don't feel me now?"

"I do not want to say. I mean it, Paul. I could not love you. This is not a decision I made overnight"

"I don't believe you" he murmured.

"Until now, I have chosen all my sentences not to offend you. But now, it doesn't matter anymore" I said in one breath. Then I took a deep breath and tried to relax. I thought he would attack me at any moment. So as soon as He attacked, at least I was ready to shout and ask for help.

Paul was looking at the space. He stood there as if he hadn't said whether I was there or not. He tilted his head to the right as if he had just woken up.

"So...This is your last decision, right?" he asked calmly. He did not expect an answer from me. It was like he was talking to himself. "You'll regret it," he said quietly, under his breath.

I took a few steps back to look at him. For a moment I thought I shouldn't be so cruel. It was foolish to even talk to someone who was trying to hurt me. I stopped for a few seconds and looked at him. Paul was standing in the same place. He continued to look at one point without moving like a statue. I wanted to run as I always did when I was nervous, but my muscles were tight. Then I went back and turned my face towards the road. I was very afraid that he would attack me at any moment. I had never seen him like that. I walked with sharp steps, I saw the driver looking at me as I turned to the side of the kindergarten, which was under construction. I held my breath until I got in the car. As I sat, I heard my heart beating. I felt like my heart had stopped for minutes while I was talking to Him. The driver turned back a few meters from the front of the road. On the way back, I looked to the right to see if Paul was still there.

The moment I left him, he was still standing the same way. He was looking at the ground without blinking and breathing.