it's one a.m.
i can't sleep.
the stupidest things are making me cry,
like my shoe being carried to me so i don't have to walk twenty feet;
and someone making me laugh until i felt like my organs were gonna burst out of me;
and the way you used to be a year ago today;
and the thought of hugging my friends, which is stupid, since i hate hugs;
memories of my old inside jokes;
and how people can be so unbelievably cruel to others, yet the victim is always made the villain.
i'm unmotivated to do anything productive,
yet i know i'll regret doing nothing when the dawn breaks.
i know they're going to yell at me again,
even if i accomplish everything on my agenda.
i don't see the point of living,
one moment i'm bawling my eyes out with want of death
and the next moment i'm pleading to have mercy on those i'd leave behind.
it's not like anything specific sent me down this spiral,
it just comes and goes as it pleases.
if i stay this unmotivated,
people become disappointed in my lack of action,
but i can't summon motivation
because of this stupid fear of their disappointment.
it's irrational and dumb,
but am i not those things, anyway?
it's like i finally feel good about something,
and the people in my life instantly tear that away.
i think for two seconds that i may be good enough to break the school record,
and there's Coach not changing it because he's related to the girl.
i think for two seconds that i've finally connected with a particularly troublesome student and that maybe i'm a good teacher now,
and someone comes along with so many corrections that i can't even remember all of them.
i think for two seconds abot how much better i've become at running,
but the second i let it out, i'm instantly compared to my siblings again.
i just want to be my own person,
but i can't do that,
because i have so many shadows following me.
one a.m. thoughts are the brutally honest ones, aren't they?
i just... argh!
i'm never enough,
and i'll never be enough for anyone,
because i can never be all the things they want me to be;
it's impossible.
YOU ARE READING
thoughts from a dark hole
Poetryrandom poetry that i think of. poetry is my way of coping with my mind and learning about the world around me through the beauty of words. thank you for reading! TRIGGER WARNING FOR THE FIRST TWO POEMS - sexual and physical abuse, violence, CSA, de...
