thoughts from a dark hole

boys

what goes on in the heads
of men who degrade women?
does it make you feel like more of a man
to make us feel like less of a woman?

standing outside the school bathroom,
he shoves me and says,
"what's up, bitch?"
and his friends hoot and holler
as they dance away down the hallway,
unaware of the sting of their words.

what if it really was that
i'm just too sensitive?
but wouldn't you be offended if some
random woman harassed you?

running past the tattoo shop,
he whistles and says,
"come here, pretty girl."
and his friends laugh and murmur
as i continue on my run,
trying to control my anger.

am i an animal to you,
some piece of property?
wasn't that you hollering in the stands
as i brought golden pride to our town?

surrounded by a group of boys,
he drives his truck past,
honks the horn, whistles at me.
none of my friends knew him
and he was pointing at me, after all,
not even being surrounded stops you?

do you not see what you're doing
to every woman you harass?
can't you see you're telling her
she's nothing but a bit of beauty?

the track is blue beneath my feet,
he grabs me, wraps an arm around my neck,
"you really shouldn't dress like that."
why don't you tell that to everyone else, too?
since we're all wearing the same outfit,
spandex and t-shirts.

my body is all that matters to you,
isn't it?
am i defined by the size of my waist,
of my butt, chest, legs?

sitting on my desk, gaming,
he looks down at me, eyes glitter.
"this bitch won't leave me alone,"
he brags into his phone.
you sat on the desk i always occupy;
i'd already been sitting there for an hour when you entered.

you beat up the boy who stood up for me,
didn't you?
he walked into practice the next day
and was that your fist print on his face?

water splashed as the boy dove in,
knowing he couldn't swim, so i jumped out of my chair.
"you can't sit here. it's my chair now,"
he said, twirling his signature twists around his finger.
privilege is using your local status to threaten me
out of the lifeguard chair i used to save your brother.

should i list the names of these people,
show them that i remember?
or will it just worsen it for me,
when the town steps up to defend y'all?

the hallways are warm, so warm,
but he looks at me, eyes graze my body, and it's uncomfortably cold.
"you don't look like anything,"
he says, thinking it's a game, everything is to him.
you're a national champion, you influence people,
and this is what you're doing with that power.

what if i told someone:
coach; your mama?
you know they'd whoop yo ass right into shape,
but you count on my silence.

grocery store line, buying wrapping paper,
a man in his fifties is looking at my ass.
walking through the school hall,
i'm elbowed in the chest, and he laughs.
driving my van, my mom right beside me,
he leans out his window, leering and talking.

they never stop, ever, 
is it even possible?
is there somewhere i can go
and feel safe from the looks?

the sun is shining, early morning beauty,
i'm walking with my best friend, and there's a shout,
"yo! come ova here!"
he's walking toward me quickly, aggressively,
in broad daylight and i freeze, scared;
she slaps my face and we run, he laughs.

in what world would that ever
be okay?
what if that was some man and your
girlfriend, wife, sister, mother?

the chair is sticking to the back of my legs,
so i adjust myself, to laughter at the end of the pool.
"she ain't, she ain't."
i looked over and he grinned, 
that grin that means only one thing.
turned back to his buddies and winked at me.

was it wrong to want the job that i 
so adamantly wanted as a child?
did i waste my time working my ass off to be the best on the staff,
working my ass off to be the youngest lifeguard at that pool ever?

the lock's jammed and the key won't turn.
i raise my leg, give it a solid side kick, and it pops free.
"what's your snap?"
he's right behind me, phone out, ready to enter it.
i told him i didn't have snap and he asked again,
and again and again, even i tried to walk away.

why couldn't you just listen to me
the first time i answered your question?
do you know how it feels to be back against the wall, 
knowing you're the last staff member in the area?

what if i just wanted to look pretty for myself?
why do you think i'm looking for your approval?
is it really so strange to think that i could be your equal?
how could you be so cruel to half the population?
women push you out, women raise you, women serve you your entire life,
and you repay us by making us feel like the scum of the earth?

all i ask is to feel safe
running, shopping, working...
just in general. 
all i ask is not to be judged solely for my body;
i struggle with body images enough on my own,
and you have to go adding doubts.

leave me alone.
just mind your business.
just leave me alone.
i won't beg, but i'm asking as your equal.
sincerely, 
a fifteen-year-old high school girl.