I Love You But...

xii

I called in sick today. I have no will to work. I don't want to report to work and look stupid because although my brain is still in my head, my mind is wandering around. I just want to stay in bed until my body is tired of lying down.

The teddy bear on my headboard caught my attention when I rolled to my side. It was Jimmy's first gift to me when we started dating. I sat up, took it, and I started caressing its fur. This small teddy bear... Jimmy has always been a sweet lad. We've been together for four years; I fell in love with Al recently, so it means that I can avoid the latter from going further. 

The next day, I have no choice but to go to work. If I don't do so, the things I have to do will pile up. I need to work hard, like Al. And speaking of the hard work incarnate, I need to remind him about an upcoming event. I need to inform him before I forget it again.
Ring... ring... ring...
I'm glad he picked up.
"Hi Al. We have an event on Tuesday, the first of September. If you could reserve it on your schedule."
"No worries. I will." It was nice to hear your voice.
"I forgot to tell you the other day. Just like you, I was surprised that you and Jimmy know each other that it slipped my mind."
"It's okay, Jamie. See you then."
"And Al - " I look forward to see you. I love you. But he hung up before I could say a thing.

I slumped on my chair, and I want to bury myself on my desk. Yesterday, I told myself that I could avoid my feelings for Al from going further, but when I heard his voice, it was reignited. It reminded me of his gentleness, another reason why I love him. Oh my, how stupid I feel right now. I took my phone, typed Hello, can we meet later? and sent the text message. After a few minutes, I received a reply. 

"Thanks for meeting me up. I appreciate it."
"Oh, no problem. As long as it's you, my dear." Said Justine, my ex-boyfriend from high school who turned out to be gay now that we're adults. And Juicy (the name he prefers now) is one of the nicest friends I can approach anytime.
"I just want someone to talk to. And it cannot be Jimmy." I told him with a sad expression on my face.
"Why not Jimmy?!" His eyebrows curled. "Among all people, why not him? Darling, he's always the first one to hear your concerns, and you're telling me that it cannot be him? Can you explain why?"
"Juicy, stop acting like that. You're not my mother."
"Oh, sorry, darling. Can you tell me why it cannot be Jimmy?" He said, prolonging the pronunciation of each word.
I placed my hands on the sides of my face. "Because there's another person involved."
"What?! Jamie, is there a third party? Wait. Am I getting the wrong idea? Have you fallen out of love with Jimmy?"
"You're right. You got the wrong idea. I did not fall out of love, and there's no third party. It's complicated, so complicated that I want to talk to someone else other than myself."
"Okay. Can you please enlighten me?"
"I love Jimmy, as we both know. And recently, I fell in love with someone else, but that person has no idea that I am in love with him. That person is a gentleman, like Jimmy, and he also works hard. But when he sings, it's like the words speak to my heart. That's the main reason why I fell in love with him. I love hearing his voice. Juicy, I'm embarrassed."
"The question is: who is more handsome?"
"Juicy, shut up. They both are. It's like choosing between Iron Man and Captain America on who is the best Avenger."
"Okay, darling. Kidding aside, where is the complicated part?"
"Oh..." I rubbed my face with my hands. "That guy is my events singer. He's been with me several times... And I learned recently that he is Jimmy's best friend since they were kids."
"Uh-oh." And he paused there. "Jamie, darling, that is difficult."
"I know. I told myself yesterday that I can avoid my feelings for the other guy since I fell for him recently, but no. It's not easy."
"Darling, I will be honest. I will not tolerate you. I like Jimmy for you, but guy number two seems to have something special that made you fall for him. Well, all I know is that for now, you cannot weigh your feelings for them. For now, you cannot say whom you love more. But there will come a time that one of them will dominate your affection. And when that time comes, I hope you will have the right choice, and that you will not get hurt in choosing between them."
And I was not able to stop my tears.