I Love You But...

xiii

Today is the first of September, and it was two weeks ago when I met Al as Jimmy's best friend. How will I approach him? Should I be friendlier? Or I'll just be the usual Jamie he knows? I'll see it later.

I saw him, he just arrived.

"Hi Al!" I was excited to see him.

"Hey." He said, but without the shy smile.

"Uhm... Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I am."

"Really? It seems that something is different about you." Because this is not the Al I know. This one is a bit distant.

"Hmm... I visited my mother's grave the other day, and I missed her a lot."

"I got it. You must have missed her every day." It seems that he doesn't want to have a conversation with me, and I do not know what else to say.

There is something different with Al. If I'm describing it correctly, the way he sings today has less intensity.  The voice is beautiful as always. He sings in the right tune, there is still emotion as he performs, but something is missing. I don't know, but he's like an actor feigning love. He does it right, but it's like he's not his usual self. I want to ask him later when this event is over.

I saw him heading out, so I made my way to stop him from leaving.

"Al, you're going already? Can we talk for a bit? I led him to the balcony, so no one would see us.

"What do you want to talk about?" His tone is kinda mean.

"Is there something wrong? The way you sang and how you act today, it's different. It's not the usual you."

"So, what are you trying to say?" He's not even looking at me when he says this, which I find rude.

"Ehm... I don't know." It's like I'm facing a different person, not the man whose gentleness made me fall in love.

"If you have no idea, then why did you even bother?" I am completely astonished. This is not the man I fell in love with.

"Al, I - "

"Just leave me alone." He walked away without looking back.

What is this feeling? It's like my heart is pierced by a spear. Why do I feel hurt?

I went to the restroom because my tears are about to come. I only have myself here, no Juicy to hear me out. Why is Al like that? Have I offended him? Have I done something wrong? Even I cannot answer those questions.

I reached home, kicked my shoes off my feet, and lay on the couch. My phone buzzed, I received a text message from Al.

Hey. I'm sorry if I snapped on you earlier. I didn't mean it.

He snapped at me when I hadn't done anything wrong. Perhaps he's an idiot. Am I allowed to hate him? I'm about to toss my phone, but I made a call instead.

"Hi babe. How's your day?" I'm glad Jimmy picked up.

"Nothing spectacular."

"Really? You were with Al today, right? You're supposed to have a good day."

"And why did you say so?" And so what if I was with your stupid best friend earlier?

"I believe you're a fan of Al. I know you like his golden voice."

"So? Does that make you a fan of him, too?" I don't know why he says this. Am I too obvious that I'm in love with his best friend?

"Don't be funny. If you don't like his voice, then you won't keep on having him as your events singer, and you won't even file his application for the singing contest. Besides, that's one reason why girls fall in love with him, aside from being a handsome gentleman."

"Babe, what are you trying to say?" Am I in trouble now?

"I know that he's an excellent singer, but I always think that Al's singing voice is magical; it can even calm the most irate person."

"Aren't you exaggerating?" But I also believe that his voice is magical; I am always drawn to him every time he sings, except for today.

"No, I'm not. When we were in high school, our teacher was so angry at our class that she wanted to throw the table. Al sang the hit love song at that time, and the teacher was like 'You can stop now, Alexander. Thanks to you, I am okay.'" He laughed at the memory.

"I think you're fond of him."

"He's my best friend, my brother. If he has a number one fan, it will be his late mother."

"You guys have the same age, right? How old were you when she died?"

"Eighteen. Al's birthday is December two. If I remember correctly, his mother died weeks after."

"That's sad. It's like she only waited for his birthday."

"That's why I always check on him, no matter how busy he is."

Jimmy and I talked until I ran out of phone credits. It reminded me of how we were in college. We talk about random things until we get sleepy, and then one of us will remember that we have to study or do a project. Time flies.

I think I can understand why Al acted like that. It is awkward if I talk to him about his mother, the only family he had. Maybe the reason why he works hard is to get over her death; instead of grieving the whole time. He is a wonderful person, and I admire his resilience. As the saying goes, it's not always easy to get up when you fall down.