Éthérée

CHAPTER 40

Tw: Suicidal thoughts+ attempt (kind of).

15th September. 

Remus anxiously glanced at the full moon hidden behind thick clouds. Any moment now, the white orb would reveal itself, and the beast would take entire control of Remus. He cared, not for himself, but the Marauders. They had only read of stories of how transformations would go. The actual truth was worse. Much worse. 

His transformations had only gotten tougher and tougher as he grew. When he was twelve, his scars would only look like something that a particularly aggressive puppy would cause. But they kept getting worse and worse to the point where the cuts seared into his flesh so thick that muscles were left exposed, and he was left unconscious. Madame Pomfrey had to fight for his life, and sometimes he would hear her sobs from the other side of the curtain after she finished his healing. 

The pale moonlight came into view, and he heard his friends' footsteps from the beginning of the long corridor. His legs' bones cracked violently, and he let out a cry in utter pain. His heartbeat doubled, maybe even tripled, and his skin started getting replaced with fur. With another loud crack, he fell on all fours, back arching forcefully. His loud cries were replaced by chilling howls and his warm brown eyes were replaced with dauntingly ferocious ones. The werewolf had emerged. 

The beast caught on a few prominent smells coming right from outside the door of the large room. Suddenly, four animals came into sight. 

A stag, a dog, a fox and a white rat, all of them looking right at the wolf. He blinked at them, taken aback. The stag carefully stepped towards him, his head bowed in submissiveness. If she could, Audrey would've thrown a brick at his head, werewolves weren't hippogriffs, bowing didn't make sense. But her faith in her brother was restored when the lupine stepped back a little, his stance returning to something less aggressive. 

Remus looked around at them, confusion clouding his mind, looking at the four animals that currently occupied the room in which he was usually left alone. The fox glanced at the stag before stepping forward to face the wolf herself. The lupine bent to face the shorter animal, and she rubbed her snout with his. He closed his eyes, and Audrey smiled on the inside. 

***

The moon waned, and the five teenagers lay asleep, exhausted. The soft glow of the early sun cast in the room in the form of a few beams of scattered lighting. Even the sky, tainted with hues of pink and purple, pitied the tall boy lying on the cold wooden floor with fresh new scars, and scarlet blood trickling from each and every one. 

Remus had little recollection after full moons. He did not remember much of what used to happen, just that he'd end up with a smashed piece of furniture, new wounds, and the terrible aching that did not seem to leave for days. When he fluttered his eyes open that morning, he forgot that he was surrounded by his four friends. He pulled a ragged blanket present next to his feet, over his bare body in an attempt to shield himself from the wind. 

It hurt so bad. Every part of his body. It ached and pained and hurt in ways he didn't think possible. A large gash across his gash had thick scarlet blood bubbling from it, dripping down his pale skin and pooling onto the floor. It hurt to breathe, his head throbbed, his shoulders felt like elastic. His breathing shallowed and his eyes closed. 'Stay awake. Stay awake or you'll die,"  he reminded himself.

"Die then," a soft voice spoke. It was almost soothing, calm, somehow. "End your miserable life. No one would miss you anyways. You are just a pathetic beast. Your 'friends' will forget about you in a week. They'll be plenty fine on their own. Your mother and father hate you. End it. Just bleed out on the floor." 

Everything seemed a lot simpler at that moment. Everything felt quite two dimensional that second. He could just close his eyes, and it wouldn't take a lot of time. The cuts were deep and the flow of the blood was thick. 

"Moony?" a soft voice spoke from the right of him. He didn't respond. He didn't want to. The warmth of the sunlight against his searing scars felt good. It burnt, but it felt good. Almost peaceful.

"Rem?" she asked again, her voice a lot more panicked. An almost muffled voice of footsteps ran towards him, and Audrey crouched right next to him. 

"Lupin I swear to Merlin if you don't get up right now I will murder you." she said, looking for any signs to give away that he was listening. He exhaled sharply, a new wave of pain going through his body. Audrey exhaled in relief. 

"Remus, please wake up," she said, her voice soft and vulnerable. There was something very special about human emotion. And vulnerability was maybe the purest of them all. The way a baby clutched your hand in danger was vulnerability. The way a person serenaded their lover through music was vulnerability. The way someone poured their heart out to you, drunk on nothing but the night, was vulnerability. At that moment, Audrey's voice was vulnerable. The way at that moment, all she wanted was her best friend to wake up. He heard that vulnerability. He had to wake up.

With a new determination, he forced his eyes open, and her blonde hair came into sight. He said nothing, and she didn't want him to. By that time, Sirius and Peter were waking up on the opposite sides of the room, James still rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. 

Her blue eyes trailed his body, studying his wounds with great alert. 

"We need to move to the castle. Now." 

***

About two hours, rolls of bandages, and several healing potions later, the five students lay in the empty hospital wing. 

Remus hadn't spoken yet. At least not to them. The Lupin shared a few sentences with the medi-witch who took care of him each month when she inquired about his injuries with the curtains drawn. The four children had been asleep for most of the time after their healing, which they blamed on a prank gone wrong, still exhausted from the night before. Audrey's mind kept working throughout her bandaging. Remus lay next to her, his eyes closed but no sleep in his system. He anticipated their reactions. James and Sirius hadn't chatted a lot. Their minds were focused on the horror they had seen in the morning. Remus almost didn't wake up. It looked like he didn't want to. That scared them. Peter just wasn't sure what he could say to comfort his friend. He had never been too good with words. 

Madam Pomfrey had finally left, finishing bandaging Audrey's stomach where a large gash lay. 

"I'm sorry. For the," Remus said, gesturing towards her exposed stomach. "The wound," he completed, his eyes focused on his hands. 

"Eh," she said with a shrug. "It's not even that deep. Madam Pomfrey worries too much,". 

Remus gulped, nodding slightly. 

"You're a cute little wolf, y'know?" Sirius said with a smirk.

"Wot?" Lupin asked with furrowed brows, and a confused expression. Audrey laughed a little. 

"He's right. Books make it all too over the top. Much more than it is," she said and Remus chuckled for a moment. 

"This moon's been better hasn't it?" Peter asked. Remus' eyes darted towards him, and he nodded, biting his cheek. 

"Loads," he replied, his voice thick.

"Then that's all that matters," James said with a tone of finality. 

Remus let a small smile fall on his face. 

***