The Soufflés That Got Burnt (Whouffle One Shots)

Howlers

Okay so this is a Harry Potter AU, lots of inappropriate jokes and some cursing... It's really funny, I'll be honest. I apologize for my abenss, but school is slowly going bye bye and that means more fanfictions!

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"I don't know what you see in him." Amy told Clara one day, "He's a complete idiot." She ate another spoonful of soup, sat amongst other Hufflepuffs eating lunch and hurriedly finishing homework. Her other friend, Rory, nodded in agreement.

"Amy, we both know John is not an idiot. He's clumsy, but not an idiot." Clara contradicted.

"Sure." Martha said, glancing over to the Gryffindor table at the other end of the Great Hall.

"I've talked to him a few times, he's really nice but had a hard time with girls, especially... Touchy subjects." Clara continued.

"To be expected, he's a guy, like me. But I know he's much more embarrassed about all that than everyone else." Rory said, sighing.

"Well, I don't really care. I want to ask him out but I don't know if he'll be a dick after it."

"Then I have an idea." Amy said, her face simply saying: I'm-so-going-to-make-this-worse-for-you.

---

John crossed the entrance hall briskly, robes fluttering as he went. He liked to leave for class early, mostly because after five years at Hogwarts, he still didn't know his way around and getting lost had long stopped being a valid excuse as far as his teachers were concerned.

There were few people in the hall, most still eating their lunch, chatter here and there.

It wasn't loud. Until now.

"IF YOU WERE A DEMENTER, I'D BECOME A CRIMINAL JUST TO GET YOUR KISS." John whipped around to find a howler. Someone must have opened it for him and enchanted it to fly after him...

"YOUR SMILE IS LIKE EXPELLIAMUS: SIMPLE BUT DISARMING!" It continued on.

"Are you implying that I'm simple?" John spluttered, before realising there was no point in trying to argue with a howler. He turned to run but the thing pursued him, shouting increasingly more lewd and ridiculous comments at him. The students in the hall laughed, Jack and Clara's friends especially.

"I'VE BEEN WHOMPING MY WILLOW THINKING ABOUT YOU!" John kept running, but of course there was no use. The thing kept following him!

"INTERESTED IN MAKING SOME MAGIC TOGETHER? MY WAND IS AT THE READY!"

"Merlin's pants!" he swore, turning into another corridor and trying to ignore the laughs of other students.

"GOING TO BED? MIND IF I SLYTHERIN?"

He finally reached his classroom, diving through the door and slamming it shut behind him. The teacher stared at him curiously, but he said nothing as he shuffled into his seat.

But the peace didn't last long, because not even a minute later, another student walked in, and the bloody howler followed through the open door.

"IS THAT A WAND IN YOUR POCKET OR ARE YOU JUST PLEASED TO SEE ME?"

"What the bloody hell is this all about?" Mickey, who had let the howler in asked, sitting down at the seat besides John.

"Someone is sending me pickup lines via howler." He cried, hitting his head on the desk. Mickey burst out laughing and luckily for John, the howler had turned to nothing but dust now.

Oh John wished he could just die right now due to the embarrassment.

----

"Jack, was it you who sent those blasted howlers?" John confronted Jack once he was in the Griffyndor common room. Jack shrugged, replying, "Nope. However you should be happy. Someone likes you."

"Happy?! Whoever this was from, I'm just... So cross with them!" Just then, River and Mickey came in, a red letter in River's hands. "Don't tell me..."

"Another letter, just for John Smith." River finished, handing it to him.

"Who gave this to you?" John demanded and River just smirked.

"Spoilers~ Now open it." Reluctantly, John opened it to be bombarded with some more pick up lines.

"DO YOU WANT TO HEAD TO THE SHRIEKING SHACK? WE COULD DO SOME SHRIEKING OF OUR OWN!"

The whole common room roared with laughter and John blushed all the way to the tips of his ears. Oh whoever did this would surely be made to pay for it!

"WELL WE KNOW YOU'RE DEFINITELY NOT A MUGGLE, BECAUSE YOUR ASS IS MAGICAL!"

"Now this, is what I would send." Jack replied, nodding in approval to the howler.

"SAVE A BROOM, RIDE A QUIDDITCH PLAYER!"

And that was it. Mickey was actually rolling on the floor laughing.

"You are a very lucky man," Jack commented, "I wish someone would do something as awesomely hilarious to me! I would marry them on the spot!"

"LET ME SLYTHERIN YOUR GRFFENDOOR!"

"Would you like to go out with this one then?" John offered.

"Hell no! I know who sent it and they're not really my type. You two would go well together though."

"WANNA EXPLORE MY CHAMBER OF SECRETS?"

"Really?" John raised an eyebrow, "Does it look like I have the same humour as them?"

"This has their friends written all over it! The person themselves is a bit more... calm." Jack replied, "More or less a control freak at the same time though..."

"BEING WITHOUT YOU IS LIKE BEING AFFLICTED WITH THE CRUCIATUS CURSE!"

"And do I know them?" John asked.

"Yeah, actually."

"YOU ARE LIKE A BOTTLE OF SKELE-GRO: YOU'RE GROWING ME A BONE!"

"Sounds like someone you would be friends with," he commented, and Jack laughed.

"I am, in a way."

"I COULD MAKE YOU SCREAM LOUDER THAN A MANDRAKE!"

And with that, the howler burst into flames, ending John's torment.

"Now will you tell me who sent this to me?" John demanded.

"Of course, she's outside." River said, recovering from her laughter. John sighed, walking outside to see Clara leaning against the wall silently.

"Oh, it's you! I should have known."

"So... Um... You're not mad?" Clara asked anxiously.

"I was a bit, but no one's being mean about it so I guess I can laugh about the whole thing," his smile fell slightly, "even if the contents of those howlers were wildly inappropriate."

"Amy's idea," said Clara quickly.

"Should've known," John thought for a moment, "so... if you were planning on sending me a howler... what would you have decided to put in it instead?"

"That you're cute, and have a nice smile," Clara flushed nervously, "and I like your chin. Even if it is a bit too... Big for your face."

"Oi! What is with everyone and the chin!?" John whined, frowning.

"It's just a tad bit too big." Clara said, walking towards him and poking it. John made an annoyed face and Clara just laughed. "But fancy a date any time soon?"

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Mm hello everyone. If I screwed something up, forgive me, it's three am and I wanted to finish this.