Beg ✟ h.s. au (M)

t w e n t y - o n e

"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best."

Terrified doesn't begin to describe my feelings right now. Not only is my head reeling at the fact that prom is less than a week away, but the fact that I'm even going. I can't believe I agreed to it. Actually, I can't believe anything going on in my life right now. I'm beginning to feel something so attached to this and this just doesn't happen to me.

Was it my fault? Was it my fault for choosing the good guy? For picking the one person I knew wouldn't treat me like shit and bail the next week? And if I did, why? Why the hell would I want someone to stay?

Because I know for a fact that people don't stay. They just don't, and anyone who promised otherwise fucking looked you in the face and lied.

I don't know why I did this to myself. Why I put myself in this situation. I wanted this to be fun, not a life evaluation. My life may be fucked up, but thats the way it is. Its normal and I'm used to it being this way.

My life consisted of hookups and different people. It consisted of me coming home to my drunk mother passed out on the couch or working a graveyard shift. It consisted of a series of fucked up events that anyone would be happy to get rid of.

Anyone except me.

Why the hell would I ever want to bring anyone into this mess I live? I think more importantly is the fact that I knew they wouldn't want to stay. I saw what that has done to my mom, and I'm not letting this happen to me.

The only feelings anyone ever needs to feel are the ones you get when you orgasm. The heart does nothing more than pump blood through your veins and keeps you alive. And the sooner people realize that the happier they'll be.

I don't realize how white my knuckles are until I open my eyes and watch them grip the sides of the bathroom sink. The AC in this damn school doesn't even work properly to the point where I feel sticky. I'm assuming my racing mind probably didn't help with that either.

Running a hand through my lightly damp hair I stand straight and look into the mirror. My complexion flushed and the perspiration on my face only adding to it. I rip a towel from dispenser and wet the end, wiping it underneath my eyes and blotting my face.

I never take the time to realize where my life has gotten me and why I am the way I am. But when I do, I end up wanting to just wish everything away. To be the girl that went home everyday to a happy family. Have an actual steady boyfriend who loved me and not my body.

But life doesn't have a redo button. The past doesn't change, and that's why for the most part I've accepted who I am and what I'll amount to.

And as of now, Curly is standing in the way of who I want to be and who I am. And I need someone to remind me of who I am, not who I want to be.

And that's why Brett met me in the stall of the girls bathroom a few minutes later. His body skeptically opening the door and closing it behind him quickly. "Long time no see, Stells," he said once he caught the sight of me as I hosted myself onto the sink that I was hovered over earlier.

I hear the lock in place as he takes a few steps closer to me. "I told you not to call me that," I reply rolling my eyes at him. His black hair in no way organized as it looks like he rolled out of bed and just left it. A smirk found its way to his face, which only made me compare it to that of Harry's.

"Whatever," he stated bored. "Are we gonna do this or did I ditch class for nothing?"

I roll my eyes at his statement and push myself off the ledge of the sink and pull him into the larger stall. I press him against the tiled wall, his hands quick to find their way underneath my shirt.

The events to happen next were quite expected. The few minutes to remain and his come had filled my mouth and my shirt was pooling near our feet. "Just how I remembered. You've still got the mouth of a goddess Stells."

I wipe the side of my mouth standing from my crouched position, my knees slightly sore from the hard surface if the floor. "Whatever Brett. Go ahead and get the fuck out now." I said pulling my shirt over my head and heading my way to the mirrors.

"Let me know when you want to get together again babe." He laced in my ear leaving my lips with a wet kiss that made me want to vomit. And with that he left out the door just as quick as he came.

I looked into the mirror and the mess of hair I had received from Brett's excessive gripping. But as I looked at myself I couldn't help the pooling of my eyes at my actions.

The entire time I had wanted Brett to use me and leave, and thats what happened. But as the tears begin to run down my face for the first time in years, I realized that I wanted Harry.

I wanted him to care, and talk to me afterwards. Brett was nothing like Harry, and I think I might have just fucked up one of the only good things in my life.

That is if he finds out. And thats when I find myself over the toilet, emptying my stomach.

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awh stella whhhhyy??? :(((

next chapters should be fun, but lemme know what yall think will happen!!

oh and actual question and i need yall input. so i planned out the plot (21 chapters in the story haha) and i have two options:

1- i could finish the book within the next 10-15 chapters (making like 30 chapters total)

or

2- i could drag it out into like 20-30 chapters instead (40-50 chapters total)

idk i think im gonna go with 1 but let me know what yall would prefer

oh and also 40K READS???!? OH MY GOD! I dont think you guys understand how insane that is to me oh my god like i never thought this would get past 100 reads let alone 40k oh my goodd thank you guys so much I love yall!!

till next chapter lovelies <3

highlight with a question (if ya want) and ill answer in the next chapter!

julia xoxoxoxox