Beg ✟ h.s. au (M)

t h i r t y - t w o

*sensitive content warning*

"Love when done in confused state of mind leads to frustration, and ultimately, heartbreak."

The End of All Things x Panic! At The Disco ;(

I didn't want to be here. I didn't want to do this. I didn't want any of this. And yet, I seem to have been the very root of all the weeds that have come to strangle me. I fed my own unwanted stems of self-loathing and hatred for myself. I fed it all with what I had accustomed myself to doing, with what I thought I was good for.

Ultimately, I was scared.

I was scared of my feelings, and I still am. I don't know how this works. I don't know how I should act, how I should feel. Everything is fuzzy, and all I keep doing is taking small steps into a blurry unknown, hoping it doesn't let me fall through.

I was vulnerable to this. I wasn't comfortable with this warmth inside of me, or the sudden bursts of pounding my chest would give out whenever I was around him.

No matter how vulnerable I had become, I almost enjoyed it. I enjoyed being wanted by someone for something other than sex. Having someone genuinely interested in my life, in me. I enjoyed being vulnerable to him.

I enjoyed being in love, regardless of what I made myself believe in the past.

And the one act of stupidity I'd made would soon cause a whirlwind of chaos if I didn't take precautions to stop it. And that's exactly what I was doing. No matter how sick the thought alone made me, I had to make sure the relationship I valued most wasn't going to be jeopardized.

The uneasiness of my stomach was clear, and only more so present when I brought my hand to the wooden door in front of me. With each knock the more sickly I felt.

I didn't want to be here.

Soon the door opened, revealing not only a revolting smell, but a revolting person as well.

"Mm, making house calls now Stellz? Like to see you going somewhere in life babe." Brett joked, his face etched with a devious smirk.

I closed my eyes tightly, exhaling the disgusting feeling within. Not even that helped.

"Shut up, Brett. Can we just get this over with?" I asked walking past him, and into the run down home. Similar enough to mine, but I wasn't a revolting pig as Brett was. Needless to say, my home was much nicer.

"You always were so eager," his voice laced as I felt his presence behind me. His hands finding their way to my hips, his mouth finding my ear, his breath fanning against my skin. I cringed as his lips moved down my neck and along my shoulder. My skin shuddering with each wet kiss.

I tried to move away from his attack, only to have him pull me back by the hips. My back now completely against his front, his hands tightening against my waist causing me to hiss in pain. "You really don't want to fight me Stella. We both know why you're here, and we both know that you'll do what I say." His hands moving from my hips to my front. The revolting touch reaching my breasts as I let out a gasp as he began to grip them, kneading them almost.

I didn't want to be here.

"We both know you love this. You always have." His lips now back to my neck as his hands continued their assault. I felt so disgusted with not only him but myself. I wanted for nothing more than it to be Harry. To have his gentle hands feel me, need me. His touch roaming my body in exploration, not in greed or advantage.

I reminded myself why I was here in the first place and decided to take it. I would be one time, and it would guarantee a lifetime of silence from him. That's all I wanted.