Beg ✟ h.s. au (M)

t h i r t y - e i g h t

  "Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets."  

Vienna x The Fray

Harry's pov

It took everything within me not to break down in front of her. Everything not to take her into my arms and cradle her, wish away the past and push this aside. It took all I had to hold the demanding demeanor, although I felt it fade with each confession to leave her tainted lips. My composure weakening with each emotional blow her words tolled on my body.

I had made myself leave her with thought that this took no toll on me, that I had expected this all along. I had no way to prove that her tears were out of feeling. For all I know they were shed because of the loss of her fuck buddy.

It almost seems like a blur, a bad dream, a smudge on the lens of a perfect could-have-been.

We were so messed up together and I don't see how I missed it so blatantly. How I couldn't tell that all those whispered confessions were really nothing more than a thought out facade.

I felt played. Used. The fact that she had taken so many things from me, things I held on such a high stature, and just moved along like it all meant nothing to her. The hurt and pain overlapping one another as I felt so defeated. I get it, love hurts. But why did I have to fall in love with someone I knew couldn't maintain any type of order. She couldn't even keep a single promise, the only thing I had asked of her this entire time.

I think what hurts the most isn't the fact that I have her my virginity, or the moments we held together, or even the fact that I fell for it all. What really hurts the most is that it didn't end the way I had so desperately hoped.

It didn't end with the happy scene you'd wish to see at the end of any great love story. We were never a normal pair --that I accepted long ago-- but had I known we were doomed from the start, maybe I would have been stronger. Maybe I would have restricted myself from her. Stopped us from becoming an us. From becoming anything more than just Harry, and Stella. 

But that's what gets to me. The fact that we always were just Harry, and Stella. Not Harry, and Stella; the star-crossed lovers. Not Harry, and Stella; the love-struck teens. 

We were simply just Harry, and Stella; the two acquaintances who should have never been more. 

I think back to my reaction, the harsh words to leave my mouth as I left her without looking back. Hell if it didn't break my heart to have those words leave my mouth. The venomous verbals being nothing more than anger-filled rage that I do regret immensely. But I had to leave with some ounce of dignity. Some ounce of self that allowed me to prove that if I meant nothing to her, then she had meant nothing to me. 

I spent the weekend to myself, even skipping out on church Sunday by telling my parents I had fallen under the weather. I mean I wouldn't be surprised if I did come down with something, emotions can do absurd things to your health. 

I couldn't even bear to look at my phone through the weekend, the endless buzzing and flashing of her name too much for me to handle. I didn't see why she bothered trying so hard. I now knew and thus no reason to try and justify anything at this point. The damage was done, and although I wanted to cry to her and let her know that I wanted nothing more than just her, I needed to let this be my lesson. 

It's said you learn from your first love, your first heartbreak. It's also said how much it hurts, but I think people tend to forget that it's physical as well. I hadn't moved much throughout the weekend as my body just wished to wither away with the rest of me.