words you hear on a sinking ship | lil peep

[10]

i thankfully made it home alive. i wasn't like, drunk drunk but i was a little tipsy. my dads suv was parked in the driveway. it was weird seeing it here, back in its parking spot. i had no clue what he was up to this time. i just hoped he didn't have some random bimbo he picked up wanting to play step mom to us again. he'd done that a few times, but were both adults now, we don't even need him.

i took out my phone to text gus i was home before i went inside.

allie
home

gus
good
how's ur dad thing?

allie
idk yet
haven't gone inside

gus
come back here if u need to

allie
i have no clue what will happen but thank u

i stepped out of the car, the gravel from the driveway crunched under my feet as i walked to the house. i didn't hesitate to open the door, wanting to get this over with as fast as i could.

dad and brayden were both standing across from each other in the kitchen as i walked in. they both stopped talking to turn and look at me as i made my abrupt entrance. "hi" i said awkwardly, naturally gravitating to stand beside my brother.

"look at both my babies, it's so nice to have us all back together again" my dad said, looking back and forth between brayden and i. "what do you want?" i asked, cutting his bullshit. "what?" my dad responded. "what do you want. you rarely come here unless you need something or you have someone to try and replace mom with" i said to him.

"allie" brayden whispered, nudging my side so i would stop. "what?" i asked him. "i'm here because i wanted to see my kids, is that a crime?" my dad asked. "well no. but we aren't a museum exhibit you can come and admire whenever you please. we're you're kids and you chose to flake. you're either here for us or you aren't, but you're too late because we don't need you anymore. we're grown now, dad" i said, unleashing all of my pent up feelings on him.

my voice cracked and trembled, trying to hold back tears. brayden side hugged me. "it's okay. don't cry" he told me. "i know i've been flaky in the past guys. i'm sorry. but i'm going to stay for a few days, and before you know it it'll feel like back to old times and everything will be normal" my dad said, sounding like he was trying to convince himself that was true too.

"no" i said bluntly. "it is his house" brayden reminded me. "then i'm leaving" i said, grabbing my keys off the table. "allie, stop it" brayden grabbed my arm, restricting my movement. "let me go" i said, shaking my arm free. "it's a lot to process. let her go, she'll come back" my dad very not quietly or subtly whispered to brayden.

i couldn't believe him, hardly be around for years, leaving weeks at a time and now he just expects us to welcome him home like it's no big deal? i was shocked brayden seemed so chill with it. "allie!" brayden yelled at me once more.

"leave me the fuck alone" i grumbled at him. "why don't you want a normal family?" brayden asked. "brayden we're never going to have a normal family. i'm sorry but it's not happening. everybody is far too fucked up to ever fix it. put it to rest" i told him.

i turned my back on my brother and my dad, walking out into the dark. i had my keys but didn't feel like driving. i needed more time to clear my head. my breaths were shaky as my feet shuffled along the concrete.

why was i angry? shouldn't i be happy my dad wanted to spend time with us? shouldn't i want a normal family? maybe brayden was right. i loved my brother but he really pissed me off sometimes. i knew he was angry at my dad too, why was he on his side all of a sudden?

i was walking to gus', it was a bit of a hike but i felt better afterwards. my anger had dissolved a bit, mostly my anger towards brayden. i was still a raging pot of emotion over my father.

allie
i'm coming back. be there in a minute

gus
ok sweetheart

gus let me inside, "hey, heyyy what happened? why'd you come back? not that i'm not happy to see youuu but obviously you left for a reason" gus slurred, even drunker than he was before.

"my dad wants to come home for a bit. he wants to like pretend he can fix everything by coming home and acting like he never left. which it total billshit. sure he's paid the bills but he's been a total flake of a dad my whole life. the only person i've ever really had was brayden and of course all of a sudden he's on my dads side and thinks we just need some family bonding time to go back to normal. but we're never going to be a normal family. it's impossible. i know i should be happy my dad wants to see us but for some reason i'm just mad and upset? i feel like he doesn't deserve my attention. i've made it this far on my own. i don't need him now"

i ranted to gus, who was definitely only taking in about 30% of what i said but it was good to get it out. "you're right. you don't owe him anything. it's okay to be upset, he left you and it's totally unnatural to pretend like nothing happened" gus said. "i guess. i don't know what to do about brayden though. he's always stood by me through family issues and now he's going against everything he's said" i shrugged, continuing to vent to gus.

"well, maybe it's time to step away from your brother for a bit. i mean, you're here, with me, so obviously you can't care what he thinks that much. he can still be your brother wether he spends time with your dad or not" gus said, making a valid point. "well. that's true i suppose".

gus engulfed me in a hug, resting his chin on top of my head. "come sit and relax. you don't need to worry about this right now. it'll work out, stay here for the night?" he asked. "well i can't say no to that". i agreed, time away from my family was what i needed right now.