words you hear on a sinking ship | lil peep

[15]

"is he okay? please tell me he's okay" i begged. "brayden is alive. he is very weak and still in and out of stability. once we stabilize his vitals you can see him. he's suffered a lot of trauma. he's probably moderate to severely concussed as well. when you see him be patient with him. he'll be confused, he'll be in a lot of pain and be very faint. we're doing everything we can for him but he'll probably have to stay here a while" the doctor informed me.

i let out the breath i had been holding in. "thank you" i said, my voice cracking a little as i began to cry tears of relief. "we'll come get you when he's ready" the doctor said smiling and walking away. i waited restlessly, occasionally getting up to pace the room. i couldn't sit still, i just wanted to see him. for a while there i was genuinely concerned that he was not going to make it and i would have lost him. he was really the only family i had. almost losing him made me realize how important he was to me.

another lengthy hour passed. they must have been struggling to stabilize him. he made it through this far, he could make it through this. he'd be okay. he had to be. i thought about texting my dad but decided against it. him and brayden were closer than him and i, but he wasn't around enough to be informed of the situation yet.

a nurse came into the waiting room. "allie, you can come see him if you like. keep it simple and be patient with him" she told me, repeating the doctor's instructions. "okay" i said, anxiously following her through the eerie hospital hallways.

she opened the door to the room brayden was in. there he was, laying almost lifeless looking in the bed. his chest rose and fall very slowly. he was hooked up to oxygen and iv's. he looked like he was barely holding on. i thought gus' face had gotten a good beating, but brayden looked twice as bad. "oh my god" i exclaimed to myself.

"brayden. it's me. i'm sorry" i said to him, sitting down in the chair beside the bed. "bray?" i asked a little louder, trying to get him to open his eyes. "brayden please wake up" i begged, squeezing his hand.

his eyes slowly blinked open and closed a few times, struggling to adjust to the light. "wha- where?" he started to asked, confused. "brayden" i said, getting his attention. "al?" he asked, struggling to turn his head to look at me. "no, don't move. yeah it's me" i said, moving closer to the bed.

"you're okay" i smiled. "so we need to talk about this gus thing" he said. "not right now. you need to take it very easy. bray i'm sorry. i love you" i told him. "i love you too" he said. his eyes started to slowly close again, his breathing slowing.

i shot a fearful look towards the nurse. "he's fine. it's normal. he just went through a lot, he's got a lot of drugs in him to. he needs as much rest as he can get" she said. "okay" i nodded. i sat in the chair next to the bed and didn't move.

"he's very lucky" the nurse told me. "i know" i said. against all odds he made it. maybe this was a sign that he was more important to me than gus. speaking of, i guess i should probably let him know he's alive at least.

allie
he's alive
i was told he's VERY lucky to have made it
this is your fault
you fucking asshole
how could you beat someone to an inch of their life like that

i caught myself losing my temper so i put my phone down. we didn't need any more negative energy in the room.

i decided to stay the night with brayden. i slumped over awkwardly in the rigid chair. i wouldn't be getting much sleep tonight no matter what. i used an extra blanket rolled up as a pillow to rest my head against the edge of the hospital bed.

"i'm staying here tonight. wake me up if you need anything" i told brayden, who probably couldn't hear me anyways. "love you bro" i added.

the sounds of his vitals beeping on the machines repeated over and over in the dead silence of the room. i laid there with my eyes closed but i didn't get a second of sleep. there was too much on my mind. i don't know why gus was still lingering in the depths of my thoughts, or why i didn't have the urge to cut him off completely. why did i secretly just want to make the 3 of us get along.

it's not fair to have to choose between your brother and your boyfriend. i realized i couldn't really say that. was he my boyfriend? we never really officially decided on a relationship status or ask me to be his girlfriend. but we loved each other. it was so weird.