words you hear on a sinking ship | lil peep

[13]

i was sitting in the corner of gus' bed with his blanket draped over my shoulders. a slight tremble began at the end of my fingertips and my heartbeat was steadily increasing. i knew gus, and i knew brayden. whatever happened definitely didn't end well for one of them and i couldn't take the thought of anything happening to either of them. let alone the fact they did it to each other.

i gave up on trying to reach gus. every text went unanswered and each call rang through to his voicemail. each second he hadn't walked in the room increased my anxiety that he was the one who wasn't coming home. gus was a lost cause right now, i decided to text brayden even though i knew i was in for the argument of my life. i needed to know if someone was okay.

allie
brayden
can we talk
i just want to see if you're okay
we can figure this out later
tell me you're okay please
what did he do to you
or what did you do to him
i love you

my texts continued to just say delivered. i fucked up. i really fucked up. i did this to them. i should have just listened to brayden all along. gus got me into exactly what he told me he would.

i heard the door click open downstairs. "allie?" gus called out, obviously in pain. i sprung off the bed to go meet him at the door. i was running at mach 7 down the stairs trying not to trip. "gus" i gasped when he finally came into my sight. "oh my god" i said, running over to him. he was battered to hell, he looked terrible. his face was bloody, beaten, and covered in gashes. dark patches of bruising already began to show around his neck and his eyes.

i threw my arms around him, happy to see at least one of them okay. he winced in pain at my touch. oops. "i'm sorry. sorry" i apologized profusely, stepping away from him. "why weren't you answering my calls?" i asked. "i was trying to get back as fast as i could" he said. "shitty excuse but i'll take it this time, let me go clean you up" i said, gently grabbing his arm to guide him in the direction of the bathroom.

i sat him on the edge of the bathtub while i grabbed some stuff from under the sink. i ran a cloth under warm water and started carefully wiping the dried blood off of his hands. each time i touched him he tensed up, "tell me if i'm hurting you too much" i told him. "it's fine babygirl, this is the least painful part" he said.

i finished with his hands, leaving just the cuts and scrapes to deal with. even gentler i wiped the blood from under his nose and lip. i paused for a minute, staring at the man sitting in front of me. he fought for me, maybe not in the most ideal circumstances but he did. he could have run away, he could have listened and stayed away from me forever but he didn't. he wanted me and he did everything he could to let nothing come between us. even if it meant having my brother beat the piss out of him.

"gus" i said, "what?" he asked. "i love you" i told him, maybe a little abruptly. "allie don't say that" he said. "what? why?" i asked. my heart dropped, i knew i shouldn't have said it. "because i love you too" he said. happiness coursed back through my body. "you do?" i asked. "yes. of course i do. why else would i be sitting here like this? i was hesitant at first, we weren't cut from the same cloth. now that you don't have to be protected from someone like me, you need someone like me" he explained.

"promise me one thing? no more fights" i requested. "i can't do that sweetheart. you know i can't, promise you'll take care of me after though?" he asked, completely countering my ask. "you're lucky you're cute. but yeah, i will. whatever you need" i said.

"he gave you a pretty good fight huh?" i asked, cleaning up the last of his wounds. "not bad. you should see him though. i look ready to be on the cover of vogue compared to him" gus chuckled, looking at me with a crooked grin.

i took my hands away from him, "wait, what do you mean?" i asked.  "you don't really think i let him beat me do you?" he asked me. "gus what did you do to him?" i asked cautiously. "he was alive. don't worry. i'm sure someone's found him a way to the hospital by now" gus shrugged. "hospital? gustav i told you not to hurt him!" i yelled. "well it's what i had to do for us" he retorted. "he's still my brother and you could have fucking killed him!" i shouted.

"you need to get away from him, he smothers you" gus argued. "oh my god. i need to go. i'm gonna go check the hospitals and see where he's at" i said, storming out of the room leaving gus sitting there alone. "allie!" he shouted, following after me. "don't fucking come near me! i don't even want to look at you right now" i said. "allie stop. he'll he fine. he deserved this. just relax, i love you" he said.

"i'm leaving. don't try and reach me" i said, leaving the house and slamming the door behind me. as soon as i got in the passenger seat of my car i couldn't help but uncontrollably sob. how was i supposed to live with the two people i love the most despising each other, ready to kill one another at any chance they got?

i tried to muffle my tears while i dialed the numbers of hospitals in the city, trying to find the one he was at, hoping he ended up at one.