words you hear on a sinking ship | lil peep

[19]

i was startled awake by gus tapping my shoulder. "what?" i asked "and how long have i been asleep for?" i asked, stretching my legs out from my position on the uncomfortable waiting room chair. "i don't know, few hours" he shrugged.

"what do you want?" i asked again. "i was just going to check on you. i was gonna go get food across the street, did you want anything?" he asked. "no thanks. but you can go and not come back" i told him. "also still no updates. no ones been out to tell us anything about him" he informed me.

"okay" i sighed. "well, are you gonna go?" i asked. "yeah but i'm coming back. i told you i'm not leaving you alone right now" he said. "please just go" i told him. looking at him was starting to make me upset. "if you wanted me gone that badly you would have told the cops, or anyone in this hospital what really happened. but you haven't" he pointed out, and then walked out of the room before i could get a word in.

the worst part was that he was right. i was protecting him, and i had no desire to stop. i couldn't lose both of them even if gus and i's relationship would never be the same again.

a nurse i recognized walked past the doorway of the room. "amy?" i said, raising my voice a little to catch her attention, she turned to me. "any updates?" i asked hopefully. "he's still in surgery" she told me. "how does it look?" i asked. "i cant be sure of a patient's condition inside the OR that's for the surgical team to know" she said. "okay, thanks anyways" i sighed.

we really had been here for hours, it was nearing the middle of the night and i hadn't seen him or heard anything since gus dragged me out of the room. i wanted to go home and for everything to be normal, but that was never going to happen. i don't know where my dad was, or what brayden said to him on the phone. he was acting super weird. he called our dad and then he kept saying he loved me, it was like he knew he was going to die or something. super strange.

gus came back into the waiting room with both of his hands full. "i got you stuff anyways. eat" he said, handing me a coffee and bagel. "thanks" i said. i grinned slightly,  he remembered my order. "hear anything?" he asked. "no not yet" i said. he sat down in the chair next to me, i didn't move away this time.

"i'm still here if you need anything" he reminded me. "i know" i said. "and i love you" he told me. "i know" i said. he looked at me with anticipation for a second, waiting for a response. i didn't give one, i could tell it hurt a little by the look on his face.

i took a few small sips of the coffee gus brought me. i was exhausted but i didn't want to miss anything. "al is there any chance you ever forgive me?" he asked. "i don't know" i told him, turning to look at the wall. "okay. i'll always be here for you no matter what. all love" he said, he reached for my hand. i hesitated for a minute but i let him have it. he took my hand in his, fiddling with the rings on my fingers.

"remember when you got this?" he asked, pointing at the small burn scar on my finger. "yeah" i chuckled. it was stupid. i entirely missed my finger placement while lighting something and scorched my hand by accident. "i miss those days with you" he said. "yeah. me too" i said. "then why are you acting like this towards me?" he acted. "because those days were before this. this didn't have to happen. we didn't have to be here" i told him. "i know. i'm sorry" he said.

"sorry doesn't fix anything" i said. "i know. i don't know what else to do" he said. "neither do i" i sighed. i was stuck between a rock and a hard place right now. i didn't know what i wanted from him either. i also didn't know if i wanted him gone or not. i was just letting him exist right now.

"i'm tired" i said to him. "you can sleep. i'll wake you up if anything happens" he said. "no no it's fine" i argued. "you sure?" he asked while i started to slump over in the chair. "mhm" i yawned. "right" he said. he put his arm over me to give me something to lean on. "no no it's fine" he mocked as i started to doze off.

the hospital staff were going to be awful confused that i was now falling asleep holding the hand of the guy i was telling to go to hell and stay there a few hours ago.