words you hear on a sinking ship | lil peep

[22]

funeral

"brayden. bray, where do i even start? you were the best brother anyone could ask for. not only were you my brother but you were my best friend. if i ever needed anything you were there, it seemed like you always had the answer. brayden was kind, caring and full of excitement for life. i could laugh with him, cry with him, yell with him, do anything with him. to me, brayden will never be truly gone, he'll live on in all of us. i know that he loved every single person in this room, he was truly such a kind hearted person. he only ever wanted the best for everyone. i learned a lot of things from brayden; he taught me how to drive, he taught me how to punch someone if they ever pissed me off, i learned a lot of things from him. i'll die happy if i ever become half the person he was"

i'd been holding it together okay so far, i could feel the tears begin to well up in my eyes and my throat tightened. i pushed myself to keep going, it was the least he deserved.

"brayden i know we didn't always get along, with all of the good certainty comes bad. of course some days i wanted to scream at him and punch him and never see his face again, but who doesn't feel like that towards their sibling? brayden is loved and he will be very missed. thank you to everyone who came today to celebrate his life. i know he wouldn't want us to cry, but it's hard not to. love you bro" i said, looking down at the casket.

the tears immediately starting falling, i ran off to the side of the room, i didn't want anyone to see me like this in public.

my dad went up to speak next, i honestly missed most of what he was saying while i tried to collect myself together out of sight. id honestly talked to him very little since brayden died. usually things like this bring families together, but it had pushed me and mine even farther apart. i didn't even know what to say to my dad if he were to come talk to me. brayden played a bigger role in raising me than he did, but i couldn't say that in front of everyone here. even if it was true.

gus came too. he was sitting in the second row back. the night after we fell asleep together i decided it was best for me to go home. i'd have to do it sooner or later, i also had to plan this. i hadn't seen him since. he'd sent me a few texts to check in but i didn't get back to him. he should have been able to guess how i was doing.

"it's just hard to believe he's really gone. so young too. rest easy son. you will be missed" my dad said, i just tuned into what he was saying as he finished. he sounded emotionless, robotic even. it was weird, and kind of creepy. i know everyone grieves differently but it didn't really seem like he cared all that much.

a couple of brayden's friends came up to say a few words. appropriately, gus chose not to. i returned to my seat and zoned out, looking at the back wall while they spoke.

once i realized people were moving again i followed the crowd into the reception room. i had a crowd of people coming up to me giving their condolences. i thanked them all through tears eyes just trying to get through the rest of this. i wanted to leave, i couldn't handle it much longer.

the room slowly cleared out as each person left after talking to my dad and i. i felt a weight come off my shoulders like i could breathe a little more each time a person walked out of the door and out of my personal nightmare.

"allie" i recognized gus' voice. i looked up to meet his gaze "hi" i said. "how you holding up?" he asked. "i'm not" i said. "i'm here if you need anything. i'm very sorry for your loss, i love you" he said. "thanks" i sniffled a little.

"is there any chance that we could talk outside or somewhere in private?" he asked. "um. i guess so sure. we can go outside" i agreed.