words you hear on a sinking ship | lil peep

[21]

it was 4 in the morning now, i hadn't had a second of sleep. i wasn't comfortable here. it felt wrong to be in gus' bed. i didn't want to go home though, it would be too painful.

i hadn't moved from the corner of the bed. i was sitting up, leaning into the corner and staring off to the other side of the room.

gus rolled over in his sleep, his eyes hardly blinking open. "go to sleep" he mumbled into the pillow. "i can't" i said, my voice strained. my mouth was dry and my eyes stung from the tears. "it's okay you need sleep. go to bed" he told me. "everytime i close my eyes i see him. i can't believe he's gone. it can't be real. he didn't deserve this, he was too good of a person. and too young. he had so much ahead of him. everything about it is wrong" i cried.

gus propped himself up one one elbow, facing me. "you're right" he told me. "he didn't deserve this" he said. "i never wanted to hurt you" he added, taking a few seconds between each time he spoke. "i know" i said, i knew he meant it but it doesn't change anything.

"and it's even worse because be honest allie, is there anything i can do to ever get you back? because so far it's definitely nothing" he said. i took a deep breath, "is that all you're worried about right now?" i asked him.

"i'm sorry if i seem a little insensitive, i lost a friend but i'm losing you too. i love you" he said. "i love you too" i sighed. "then let's be together" he said.

"gus we can't. it's wrong. it's wrong that i'm even here right now. i told him. "i'll take you home in the morning, just get some sleep for me please" he offered. "i don't want to go home" i told him. "then where do you want to go?" he asked.

"i don't know. that's why i'm here" i said. he nodded. "i wish i knew what to do for you" he sighed. "me too" i said.

"come here. just pretend everything is okay for a few hours" he told me, opening his arms for me to come lay down. why not, i had nothing to lose. i laid down next to him, resting my head on his chest.

his arms wrapped around me, the nostalgic feeling of safety and comfort came over me. maybe we could just pretend for a bit. no one has to know we did this.

why'd he have to ruin it. he would have been perfect.    i think the only reason i was really still holding on to him was because i would have literally no one else if i cut him out too.

a few tears fell from my eyes, leaving dark spots on his shirt. "stay with me as long as you need to" he said. "thank you" i choked out.

i tried to understand he had lost brayden too. but nothing felt like it could compare to what i felt. he was my brother. the world felt like it was ending. i couldn't see the future of anything. the world felt like it had stopped turning and i was stuck here all alone trying to figure it out.

"i lost my brother too" gus said out of nowhere. "i didn't know you had a brother" i said. he'd never mentioned him. "yeah. his name was oskar. he was my older brother, overdosed when i was in high school. i came home and found him" he told me.

"that's awful. i'm sorry" i said. "i don't need sympathy, i've accepted it. i'm okay now, i just wanted to know i've felt a fraction, maybe more, of what you're feeling. i know it's hard. i wouldn't say it gets better, but it gets easier. at one point you'll stop thinking of all of the negativity surrounding it and you'll just remember all the happy times, good times, jokes and memories of them" he told me.

"it feels like it's never going to get better" i told him. "it does. i promise" he said.

it felt weird to be having a heart to heart with the literal reason my brother was dead. i was also a little hurt, strangely, that i never knew gus had a brother. we'd talked about a lot of things so that seems like a piece of information he would have shared with me.

it's whatever though. he wasn't the person i thought he was, obviously. he'd done a lot worse than fail to mention his dead brother to me. or maybe i just didn't mean as much to him as i thought i did. maybe he never really loved me.

nothing felt real so why would anything we had have been real. "did you actually love me?" i asked him.  "what are you talking about? i do actually love you" he said. "i don't believe anything anymore. it all feels fake" i told him.

"i'm always gonna love you, no matter what, i don't care how much you hate me or how far away you move. doesn't matter to me. i'm still going to love you" he said. "okay" i said, accepting his answer for now. i didn't have the energy to talk about it anymore.

both of us grew drowsier. i could feel his grip on me loosen slowly as he fell back asleep. "goodnight gus" i said.

i let myself succumb to my exhaustion, quietly drifting off to sleep, listening to his heartbeat.