words you hear on a sinking ship | lil peep

[20]

"allie" gus shook me awake. "sorry" i said, getting off of his arm. "no it's okay. the doctors want to talk to
you" he said. "oh. oh okay" i said, suddenly realizing one of the doctors was standing right in front of me.

"is he okay?" i asked. the doctors face remained emotionless "is he...is he okay?" i asked again, my voice shaking a little. "you're his family?" the doctor asked. "yeah he's my brother. what's wrong with him?" i asked again.

the vibe of the room became very somber, gus put his hand on my back. "i'm very sorry to inform you miss marshall, but brayden has passed away. we lost him on the table. he was strong but he just didn't have any more fight left in him. the puncture to his lung was too severe, he lost too much blood internally. i'm sorry for your loss" she told me sympathetically.

i froze, trying to process what i just heard. "no. no...no this isn't happening" i cried. "oh my god" i heard gus mumble. "can i see him?" i asked the doctor. "you can see him before he goes down to the morgue" she said. "okay" i nodded. "you wanna go?" gus asked. "yeah i do" i told him. "let's go then" he said, taking my arm to walk down the hallway.

i just kind of let it happen, i needed comfort right now and he was the only one who was here. "you sure you want to see him like this?" gus asked. "yeah, i need to say goodbye" i sobbed. "okay" gus nodded to the doctor.

the doctor let us into the room, his body was on some kind of table. they were already moving it. i took a deep breath and walked up to him. "bray no. it wasn't supposed to be like this" i cried. i didn't know it was possible for someone to look so lifeless. i think he knew it was his time. he was acting so strange. "i'm sorry i couldn't do more to help you" i told him.

"i love you. i couldn't have asked for a better brother. i know you fought, at least you aren't in pain anymore. it's never gonna be the same without you" i continued to speak. i could feel myself breaking down each second i stood there. "i love you. i need to get out of here, can we go?" i asked the doctor and gus.

"yeah let's go hun" gus said. "thank you" i told the doctor. we got back out to the waiting room and gus stopped dead in his tracks. he tried to choke back his tears but he couldn't. "what did i do?" he said to himself. i didn't know what to say to him. "this isn't happening. this can't be real. please tell me this is some sick joke" i begged him. "it's not. allie, baby, i'm sorry" he said.

"he's actually gone" i cried. i began to cry harder, sobs racking through my whole body. i fell to my knees crying, all of my emotions coming out at once. "here. allie, come here" gus said, lifting me off the floor. he held me while i cried into his shoulder. "i'm here" he said.

"i can't believe this is happening either" he said. i stepped back from him for a second, giving him a bit of a death glare. suddenly i realized what i was doing. "you can't believe it? you did it!" i snapped at him. "allie, shh" he said, putting his hands on my shoulders. "if i knew it was going to end like this i wouldn't have. i'm sorry. i can't believe i did this" he choked out.

"i can't tell my dad this" i said. "you don't have to. let them do it" he told me. "okay" i nodded. gus took me back into a hug, i went right back to going along with it. "why don't we go back to my place. you need to get out of here and get some sleep" he told me. "no. i should go home" i said. "allie i don't think going theres the best idea for you right now. just come with  me for the night. who else do you have? i just want to make sure you're okay" he said.

unfortunately once again he was right. i don't know where my dad is, my brother is fucking dead. all i have is my ex boyfriend who's the reason my brother is dead. how pathetic is that. it's fucked up. "let's get going, okay?" gus asked. "okay. okay fine" i agreed and gave in.

"okay. let's go get my car" he said. "okay" i said passively, letting him take my hand and lead me out to the parking lot.

i zoned out most of the ride home. the tears clouded my vision, the view out of the window was blurry, occasionally glancing over at gus.

i was feeling every emotion at the same time i was sad, and hurt, and angry, and confused, and lost.

"hey, we're back" gus said, getting my attention. he came around the side of the car and opened the door for me. i followed him back into the ever familiar house. "hey guys, yo! allie!" tracy basically shouted at us as we walked through the door. of course this is the time he was home.

"hey man, not tonight" gus told him, pushing past him.

"get some rest for me, please?" he asked, helping me on to his bed. i knew i wouldn't be getting much sleep for the next who knows how long.

gus rolled into bed and fell asleep as soon as he hit the pillow. i retreated to my old corner of the bed, not staying too close to him.

i rolled over to face the wall, i tried to keep it to myself and i tried not to cry too loud.