Ben
I never went to bed last night. I got home a week ago, and I feel like shit. Nothing feels real anymore. I went out for a smoke at about 6am. I try not to be around the kids. When Ava first saw me she almost started crying.
She said, "Why do you look dead?".
I can't stop hearing her say that. Over and over again I hear it. Why do you look dead? Fuck I wish I was.
"Ben" I heard a very muffled woman's voice.
It almost sounded like if I was underwater. I kept smoking.
"Ben" I heard it again.
I started to shake.
"Ben!".
"What!" I yelled.
"Woah," Jess sounded clearer now, "Calm down. I just wanted to see if you wanted breakfast".
I tried to breathe, "I don't want breakfast".
"Are you okay?".
"Yeah, feeling better every day".
Jess sighed and shut the door. I looked at my shaky hands. Why do you look dead?
"Oh god shut up" I started crying as I squeezed my ears.
I hoped that would help. Why do you look dead? I yelled, and threw my smoke onto the concrete. I slammed my foot down on it and collapsed into the grass.
"Ben!" Mac came running outside.
I could hear a really high pitched ringing, and the quiet muffled voice again. Mac was hugging me as she was saying things I couldn't understand. Jess was standing at the doorway. She was watching me in terror. The terrified look on her face.
Mac looked me in the eyes, "Why do you look dead?".
I looked at her with a terrified face too.
"Why do you look dead?".
I couldn't speak, couldn't move. I stared at her.
"What's wrong Ben?" Mac asked.
Everything went back to normal. The sounds, the ringing went away. I started to take deep breaths.
"What happened?" Mac whispered.
"I-I-I don't know" I started to cry.
She hugged me again, "It's okay, I got you".
We hugged for a minute as I cried. She didn't leave, she stayed with me.
"Why don't we go back to bed? I'll help get you back up there. I'll get you some water too, okay?".
I nodded.
Mac helped me up and brought me upstairs. She put me in my bed, and got me water.
"What happened?" Ty walked in.
"He had another panic attack I think" Mac looked at him.
Ty sighed, "Shit".
I didn't say anything. Ty came and sat beside me, Mac sat with me too.
"Why don't we take you to the hospital Ben?" Ty spoke.
I shook my head, "please don't".
"Fuck sakes" Ty got up.
"It's okay Ty" Mac got up too.
"I'm gonna end up losing my mind Mac, I'm terrified".
"Everyone is," Mac whispered, "But that isn't helping him".
