Bad Timing - Jiara (JJ Maybank & Kiara Carrera)

Chapter 15

An elderly gentleman lies beside his wife's tombstone. The flowers he gave her were far too bright to be brought to a cemetery. JJ wondered if that's who he'll forever be. An old man lying beside his dead wife, withering like a flower detached from its soil, existing solemnly for the hope that maybe one day he'll reunite with her. He wondered if he'll learn to live again. If he'll learn to love again. He knew he didn't want to. 

Copying the man, JJ lied parallel to his wife's tombstone in the same position as he did. It hurt him too much that he couldn't fathom a time when he won't be grieving her.

"Does it still hurt?" He inquired, cursing himself for allowing his voice to break hoarsely in the middle of his sentence. And before the gentleman even gave his answer, JJ knew. He, by the way, the man closed his eyes and sighed what his answer was going to be...and that he wasn't going to like it. 

"All the time, son," he said quietly, his voice trembling. 

That triggered a sensation JJ had been attempting to suppress for a long time. He hated the fact that he will always miss her. He hated the fact that he will resume living, but without her. He hated the fact that he will continue to love her even if she is no longer here.  He hated the fact that he'll never get over her, but it's no longer because she's in a horrible mental state, or even in a hospital, or with a Ryan Dude... it's because she's dead; gone.

 Humans are such a wacky species. They can somehow come to hate all that they love.

"I can't promise you that you'll forget her...because you won't. But if you're seeking something to cheer you up, I'll tell you this: you've been reborn today. She transformed you into a new person, one you never imagined you could be. She then left, albeit reluctantly. Gone. Dead. She didn't leave you as the person she created you to be, because after her departure you'll almost never fully be that person again, but she didn't leave you as she found you, and that's something, alright. Today is your rebirth. It's the start of a new chapter in your life. A new adventure has begun. A new book. You are reborn into the world every time you lose someone you love. You notice a lot of things that you previously didn't notice. You learn to value things that used to irritate you. You go through a period of transformation, first for the worse, then for the better, then for the worse, but always, always back to the better. I assume you love her and that those children are yours.  I assume that you'll have to put in a lot of effort now to ensure that you raise your boys properly. I believe her death was tragic since she was young and could have changed the world. That's what I believed when I lost Allie, but you must set a boundary for your family's sake. Do you hear what I'm saying? You can't allow things to get out of hand. You can't let things get too bad. You always have to get better, not only for your sake but for the sake of the people you love."

That night, JJ returned to a house, but not to a home, which, if he were in a good mood, would mock as a cliché thing to say, but every fiber in his body knew it was true at the time. He considered her to be his home.  His soulmate. His safe place. His true love. His Kie.

By the time he got back, his children were fast asleep. On the couch, Sarah was knocked out.  Moral support, she had told him before crashing at his house. His and Kiara's house. Whatever. 

Kiara's funeral would be emotionally draining, he knew. It's a harsh reminder that it's all over. By the time he was under the covers, not daring to even glance at the side of the bed Kiara used to take up, complete numbness overtook him, and he was sure, so sure, in that moment that it'll never leave. 

Counseling took place after the funeral, especially for the children, but he didn't even show up for it. As he lay awake and alone in bed, JJ recalled how everyone except him and his two children had left the sight of Kiara's tombstone. Adam, two years old, on one arm, and Tristan, nine years old, gripping his fingers. They watched as others vanished one by one around them, but they remained motionless. Frozen. Sarah eventually offered to take the kids. JJ simply nodded. He needed to drop the mask he's putting on for his sons. It was a devastating November seventh when Kiara took her last breath and an even more devastating November eight when she was buried.

It was also bitterly cold, windy, and cloudy. It even rained a little. Kiara adored and cared so much for nature that even the Earth cried for her.

He recalled the last encounter he had with Kiara. "I always had a feeling you'd be the first to leave," JJ says his beautiful brown eyes hold so much emotion as they brim with salty tears. It hurt Kiara to see him like that, knowing she was the cause of his sadness. He looks up when she swoops her calloused finger under his chin and gently urges him to look up. "When it's over, I'll meet you there." Her voice was breathy and weak. So weak. Her skin was pallid. Her face was pale. Lips dry. Eyes watery. Breathing, for her, seemed like it is the hardest thing in the world. Through tears, JJ chuckled, tightening his grip on her hand, caressing his thumb over her skin, before kissing her knuckles softly. "I promise," she assured before she exhaled her final breath.

She promised that she would meet him there, but he didn't have time to tell her that the first thing he'll look for when he did go there was her. 

Before his body succumbed to exhaustion that night,  he remembered what the old man had said. You can't allow things to get out of hand. You can't let things get too bad. You always have to get better, not only for your sake but for the sake of the people you love.

As a result, the ninth of November was slightly less traumatic than the previous two days, because JJ made an effort to support his children through the grief of losing their mother.  And because JJ had made a promise to Kiara that they would always come first in his life. He recalls the day of his wedding. He recalls his promises. I swear I'll raise our kids so well that you'll thank your lucky stars for picking me to be their father. He chuckles at the distant memory. 

JJ was so preoccupied with work on November 10th that when he returned home to find out Kiara hadn't picked up their children from school and pre-school, the numbness in his bloodstream faded and he broke down. Devastation overtook him, and he was certain, certain that It would never leave him. It helped that he was surrounded by his children. It helped to stay focused on his job as a police officer. It helped to be around The Pogues, because they were just simply being The Pogues, despite the fact that one of them was absent.

And before he knew it, December was around the corner. As he promised Kiara a year before, he'd be too busy with the holidays, that when he saw his and Kiara's wedding photo on big frames on the walls, he broke down. Devastation and pain and guilt took over him, and at that moment, he was sure, so sure that it'll never leave him. But at least he broke down in private because as shocking as it might sound, the world seemed to grief Kiara in secret as if bringing her up would darken the mood. 

They could bring her up whenever they wanted for the next two years because memories of her didn't hurt as much anymore. Because memories of her began to make people miss her rather than mourn her. Because reminiscences of her made everyone laugh and then tear up, but only slightly. 

After reconstruction and working through it, acceptance overtook JJ's devastation, and during the years that followed, he was certain, so certain that it would never leave him again. He still held on to that hope that one day, he'll meet Kiara there, one day, but the thought wasn't all-time consuming anymore. It was just a passing thought through his mind on a beautiful Sunday, or as he drove past hospitals and car accidents, or as he watched Josh Mathews receive the death penalty in court or on December 24, his anniversary, or on November seventh. 

JJ considered it to be his endgame, but as long as he remained alive and breathing, it was just a thought. His happily ever after. After all, she was still his home. His soulmate. His safe place. His true love. His Kie. He always heard his own voice reciting his speech from his wedding night. When you love someone, you make time for them. You be there for them. You work together against all odds.  And he couldn't fucking wait to reunite with Kiara to finally show her that, against all odds, he will be there for her. 

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a/n: this is depressing :( 

apologies in advance for ruining your Wednesday/Thursday