Want

Chapter 9

Her fingers glided over the skin that belonged to someone who she felt safe with, she watched the patterns they traced and she immediately smiled as his hand came to hers and their fingers linked together signalling their agreement. Where would they go from now? She didn't know and she didn't think Kian would know either, all she knew was that where they were now, they were both safe lying in each other's arms, Kian running his hand up and down her back, along her shoulders, his fingers in her hair and she let him touch her ever so intimately. In a way, she wanted more but whether she would allow her heart to fall further would be another matter. Jac was scared that he wouldn't feel the same, that all of this would have been another round of unrequited love. They were both afraid to say the words. The words that would secure all the thoughts in their head, as soon as they took that step they knew they would never go back. Things were never simple though and they knew that but simplicities aren't what made their life.

"Are you awake?" he whispers quietly, she looks up at him and nods slowly "Morning"

"Hm" she nods slowly going back to close her eyes before opening them and looking at the alarm clock on the side "It's five in the morning, why are we up this early?"

"I don't know" he murmurs into her head and she smiles slightly "Do you want to talk about last night?"

"No" she shakes her head "It won't change anything..."

"Do you want to stop all of this?" he gestures to how they were lying naked in each other's arms, she sighs maybe thinking it was for the best

"Maybe it's for the best, I know you don't feel the same as I do about you" she trails off trying to be honest but it was hard, what she really wanted to do was scream from the rooftops that she loved Kian Madani but she knew he didn't feel the same

"I don't know how I feel"

"And that's probably because you're a man" she responds with raised eyebrows, he narrows his eyes before hitting her on the head playfully

"I just don't understand how we got here"

"Neither" she shakes her head tracing her fingers over the patterns of his abs, her fingers gliding over his skin not really understanding how to let him go even if they came to that decision "That's why I think we should go our separate ways"

"If that's what you want..."

"Is it what you want?"

"I don't know what I want" he responds and Jac sighs slightly at how confusing this whole situation was, Kian was being vague, maybe he didn't actually know how he felt but it was annoying her, irritating her with how honest she was being in this situation and she felt she deserved a little more from him

"Tell me how you feel then?"

"I don't know!" he raises his voice slightly, she sighs in annoyance reaching out for her dressing down, she pulls it onto her body and gets out of bed "Jac, come on, what else am I meant to say? You drop it on me that you think you love me-"

"You weren't exactly turning me away" she snaps with her eyebrows raised, he huffs and climbs out of bed grabbing his clothes "Just run away then"

"Look I'm not going to sit here and have you pick apart my answers, I'm going home to freshen up. I'll see you around"

"Whatever Kian, whatever" she mutters before storming into the bathroom slamming the door as she went, Kian groaned at her outburst knowing work would definitely be hell on Monday...

-CS-

Not a word was said, not text containing a sorry, not even a phone call or a visit. They were both in the dog house with one another and it was becoming increasingly irritating. Luckily for Jac, she had Emma this weekend so she had some distraction and she was annoyed at herself for using her daughter in this way but needs must as her heart really did ache. Jac was craving Kian, it was more than that but there was no other word that suited the way she felt about him, even after their argument she wanted him, in her bed, touching her body where very few have touched before and whenever he popped into her head she was snappy and het up, tense, all the negative words under the sun is what she was. Jonny came to collect Emma and she said goodbye to her little girl kissing her on the forehead and then hugging her, she watched as they left and once again she was left with her thoughts. Her thoughts always involved Kian. It was impossible to sleep Sunday night, she could smell him, he was everywhere, on her bedsheets, on her pillow, in her house even though that was impossible and it made her irritated and paranoid that he could actually be there, he got into her house who said he wouldn't before, maybe she actually wanted that. Jac picked up her glass and smashed it against the wall in a rage of anger and annoyance, she just needed to take her feelings out on something and the glass was the first thing she saw so she aimlessly chucked it against the wall before pulling at her hair. Sunday night was one not to remember but when it became morning she was shattered before the anxiety crept in that she would have to go to work and Kian would be there.