Want

Chapter 9

She just wanted to thank him for the pain, the pain of loss, she wanted to thank him for showing her true feelings. The tears fell down her face, his love, if she thought it was that and he didn't, it wasn't enough to make her feel alive anymore. The feeling of being hooked on something you can't control was awful, it sickened her to the core and she wanted to thank him for the pain beauties the pain she had when they were separated was too much for her to cope with. His arm was draped over her side as he brushed his fingers over her skin, it made her shiver involuntarily. Even with him there she couldn't sleep, the feelings were relentless and they weren't giving up, it hurt, it made her want to cry and secretly she shed a few tears. As soon as she gripped onto Kian's arm that changed, little did she know he felt the same.

"How do we keep coming back here?"

She had to ask the question, it was ridiculous at this point. Her bed, his hands, her hands, their sex. All of that made them, unfortunately, neither of them didn't know how to feel. Feelings were irrelevant but sex was something so much more, it allowed them to express their feelings they couldn't express using words. Jac came to the conclusion that Kian loved her.

"I don't know," he says quietly and Jac shakes her head pressing her face into his bare chest, his aftershave lingering and she realised how much she couldn't let him go

"Please love me"

Begging was weak, it was needy and she hated it in every fibre over her body. Kian didn't know how to feel, he wanted to hold her forever and love her but on that last thought something was holding him back and he didn't know what. The ability to love someone was an impossible task, could he love Jac? He didn't know and he wasn't sure if he wanted to know. Jac was his world, in his thoughts front and centre yet he couldn't bring himself to go deep into his soul and find the love to show her. Sex was the only thing that was on his mind and he knew it was partly on Jac's mind as well.

"I can't"

Why though, boy she wanted to ask the question but she was scared of how she would react, she didn't want to ruin this, who would? Jac wanted to scream and shout but all she could so was let the tears glide over her skin and seep into her pillow. Why did it always end like this when she knew what Kian felt, why didn't he just admit it, gosh she hated him all of a sudden. Kian hated the way it was indecisive but he didn't want to change this, maybe that was where he could be honest.

"I don't want to change this," he says into her ear, she bites her lip trying to stem the flow of tears from her eyes

"I know"

She understood and Kian was happy that she did bit how did they get here? After everything how on earth was this fair on themselves. If Kian was honest he wanted to throw in the towel, end it and just move on but he couldn't. That was when he realised he was in the same position as she was, addicted. Love was never enough, it never would be not in this day and age with everything going on around them.

"If you could change one thing about this what would you change?"

One thing, that's all. Him loving her or allowing himself to but why wouldn't he just love her like she loved him? It was painful, it caused more pain than her physical injurious from the shooting, that was an interesting contrast, similarity even. How could he not love her when he touched her in the most gentlest ways, how could he lie and say that when he touched her scars it wasn't fuelled with love. Jac understood that admitting things was hard but this felt as if it was too far, her heart was broken but every time it broke they fixed it with sex, how was that fair?

"I want you to love me"

"I can't"

"Why though?"