Calm My World [Kagehina]

Chapter 5: Doubt

CW: negative self talk

Kageyama had not been able to fall asleep right away so he had, indeed, heard Suga and Daichi having sex. He was so jealous he could hardly stand it. Daichi was amazing and his relationship with Suga was so solid. They perfectly complemented each other and seemed to get along so well. They were always so caring and supportive of each other. Why couldn't he find a nice guy like Daichi?

Kageyama's thoughts went back to Hinata. He second guessed every word he said and by the time it was quiet across the hall, he had convinced himself that he had made a fool of himself by saying dumb things. Why did he have to say the Harry Potter thing out loud? He chastised himself for a good thirty minutes on that one. And then, he had to go and bring up statistics class, making Hinata frown. What an idiot he had been!

Kageyama could not believe he had messed that up so badly. It was always the same. He was just so awkward and afraid around people, this kind of thing always happened. He was feeling nauseated and slept poorly, waking several times and then remembering his embarrassment. By morning, he was exhausted and completely convinced that he was never going to be able to interact with others like a normal person.

It was Saturday, so no classes today. He had some homework for the weekend but not a whole lot, so he could spend some time reading his new manga and going to the Marvel movie again, this time with Suga and Daichi. They had planned to go tonight, so today he was going to try to get his homework done.

As he made his way to the kitchen and got himself a bowl of cereal, Kageyama thought again how stupid he must have sounded to Hinata. He hated himself for being so awkward. He ate slowly but still felt a touch of nausea that he knew was due to his embarrassment.

He had Hinata's number, but he felt too humiliated to text him. Hinata probably thought he was an idiot. He couldn't possibly text him now. Hinata probably went back to his friends and told them all about the stupid kid from their statistics class. He stopped eating and pushed his cereal bowl away. He felt really ill now.

Kageyama got up, cleaned up his dishes and went to the living room. He was trying to breathe deeply but that tightness in his chest was increasing. He needed to talk to Suga, but he hated to wake him up. He focused on breathing while listening to his meditation app. Within a half hour, Suga padded through the living room on his way to the kitchen and saw Kageyama. Suga immediately knew Kageyama was having a bad day.

"Hey, what's up? You okay?"

Kageyama looked up at Suga, whose hair was still sticking up at various angles. "Suga, I made such a fool of myself."

Suga sat down. "Kageyama, I'm sure that's not true. You told me what was said. I think it was fine, really."

"No, I said that thing about Harry Potter and I brought up a class that he hates. I was an idiot."

"You're doing it again. You're over-analyzing and making a big deal of things that aren't. It sounded fine to me, really, Tobio. Please try to believe me."

Kageyama looked over into Suga's warm brown eyes. He wanted to believe his friend, but he just couldn't. He was convinced he had made an ass of himself and no one was going to convince him otherwise. He looked away without responding. Suga correctly interpreted the action.

"Kageyama. Really. I think it was fine. He sounds really nice. I'm sure he didn't think anything was strange about your conversation."

Kageyama just shrugged. Maybe, he allowed himself to think. But he changed the subject instead. "Movie tonight? Eight o'clock?"

"Yes, we're looking forward to it!" replied Suga.

Just then, Daichi came out of Suga's bedroom. His hair was sticking up too. He came over to where Suga was sitting next to Kageyama on the sofa and planted a kiss on the top of Suga's head.