Calm My World [Kagehina]

Chapter 1: Wonder

Kageyama's alarm went off at 7:30 am and he reached over to silence it. He lay on his back in bed, staring at the ceiling and taking inventory. Today, he realized, would not be a good day. He felt anxious already and he had just woken up. That uneasy feeling in his chest was already noticeable, damn it, and he had class to go to today.

He rubbed his eyes and silently cursed. Class was in 90 minutes. A class he disliked intensely. He did not understand statistics and he hated that they were in this huge room with probably 100 people. Kageyama much preferred smaller classrooms. They were way less intimidating and quieter. Large rooms and large crowds always ratcheted up his anxiety.

There was only one good thing about statistics class and that was The Redhead. Kageyama didn't know his name, but he was in the class. He sat two rows down and five seats to Kageyama's left. Not that he'd counted. Kags could see his profile throughout class and it was the only thing that made the time spent there bearable.

The Redhead was something of an enigma to Kageyama. He was so happy and energetic all of the time. He seemed to know half of the people in the huge class and was always smiling and saying hello to people. He sat with two other guys who Kageyama assumed were friends -- a tall blonde with glasses and another dark haired guy. The Redhead didn't seem to understand statistics much better than Kageyama though, judging by the frowns on his cute face when he was staring intently at the screen. Kageyama thought it was adorable how The Redhead's bottom lip stuck out a little as he concentrated and looked from the screen and back to his notes. Kageyama had thought about how it would feel to kiss those lips on a couple, okay maybe a hundred, occasions.

Seeing The Redhead made getting out of bed when he felt like crap easier. So Kags rolled out of bed and padded to the bathroom of the apartment he shared with Suga. Suga was a night owl and didn't have early classes so he was usually still sleeping at this hour. That was fine with Kageyama -- no waiting for a shower.

He emerged from the bathroom twenty minutes later with wet hair and a towel around his waist and walked back to his room to dress. Sometimes the hot shower made him feel calmer, but it didn't seem to help today. Still that same pressure in his chest. Lovely.

He dressed in loose jeans and a t-shirt. Kageyama was not interested in impressing anyone with his clothes. He tossed on a hoodie and put on his black Converse. Then he went to the kitchen to get some breakfast. He was still a little sleepy and didn't have the wherewithal to cook, so he just poured himself a bowl of cereal and sat at the table scrolling through his phone. The only sound was the crunch of the cereal between his teeth, which was how he liked things. Quiet and calm.

He finished eating and washed his bowl in the sink before pouring himself some water and getting his medication. He had two types of meds for his anxiety -- one he took every day and one he took when he was extremely anxious and needed immediate relief. He tried not to take the second medication because it always seemed to knock him out and make him so tired that he had to sleep. The medication he took now was his daily anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication. He dutifully swallowed the pill with some water as he did every single morning. If he missed a day, things were not pretty, so he didn't miss.

He went back to the bathroom (still no sign of Suga) to brush his teeth and saw that he had plenty of time to get to class. He put his notebook and laptop in his backpack, grabbed his wallet and keys, and headed to class. He liked to be really early to class because the mere thought of being late made him feel like vomiting. So he always left at 8:15, which gave him 45 minutes to make the fifteen minute walk to the lecture hall.

He arrived and was usually the first one there for the class because no one else wanted to be 30 minutes early to a nine o'clock class. There was no class in the room before his, so Kageyama went to his regular seat. He had to sit in the same place each time or it was disconcerting.

From his seat in the middle section of the lecture row, five rows from the back, he could observe everyone as they entered. Most looked half asleep and trudged slowly up the risers to their chosen seats. A few came in with friends and sat together. And then there was The Redhead. He came into the lecture hall between 8:55 and 9:00 every day, along with his friends. He said hi to an impossibly large percentage of the class, smiling and greeting everyone with a friendly hello or hi. His smile was like the sun and Kageyama couldn't help but notice that when The Redhead smiled and greeted people, they had to smile themselves.

Kageyama wondered how someone could be so open and outgoing. The Redhead was so different from him, it was almost as if he was another species. Kags could not even bear the thought of talking to so many people and saying hello instead of slinking by and praying that no one noticed him. How did The Redhead do that? It was unthinkable to Kageyama. And intriguing.

He watched today as The Redhead and his two friends entered the classroom at 8:56. Red said hi and waved to a bunch of people, as per usual. The three friends sat in their usual spots and when the teacher started class a few minutes later, Kageyama resumed his silent inspection of his crush. Yeah, okay, he admitted. He had a little -- just a teeny, tiny -- crush on The Redhead. Kageyama loved seeing that smile and wondered how it would feel to have it directed toward him. Would it take his breath away? It seemed like it would, he decided, not that he would ever have the opportunity to find out.

As the class wore on, Kageyama observed The Redhead's bottom lip pop out, indicating he was not understanding the professor. Kageyama didn't understand either. He probably should be paying closer attention to what was being said by the teacher, but he doubted it would help anyway. He was just lost in this class. He generally did pretty well in most of his classes, but this one just was not going well for him. He had bombed the first exam and was trying to bring his grade up, but everything that was said just seemed like a foreign language to him. He sighed. Doing poorly in the course only increased his anxiety. Great. Maybe he should get a tutor. Too bad The Redhead didn't seem to be acing the class. It would be nice to be tutored by him. Kageyama spent the rest of the class period concocting scenarios in his mind of being tutored by The Redhead and then having the tutoring session turn into a makeout session.

When class was dismissed, The Redhead stopped frowning and was back to his cheery, smiley, bright self. Kageyama watched him leave the room, talking and animated and wondered again how it would be to go through life like that. The idea was so foreign to him, he couldn't even fathom it.

The room cleared out, so Kageyama finally rose to leave. He tried not to get caught in the masses of students heading for the door. He preferred to wait so that he could walk to the door without having to bump into, almost bump into, or make eye contact with another student.

That was one way that he controlled his anxiety, by controlling his interactions with people. While it kept his worrying from spiraling out of control, it also kept him isolated from others. Sometimes the thought of how isolated he was made him so sad and so lonely that he choked up. The thought of talking to new people was so overwhelming that Kageyama didn't make any new friends. The only reason he was friends with Suga is because they were randomly assigned as roommates their first year and he HAD to talk to his roommate.

Kageyama walked in silence back to his apartment. Today the loneliness was front and center in his brain. He wanted to make new friends, not like a ton of friends, but it would be nice to have at least one or two other friends besides Suga. His thoughts circled back to The Redhead and his gorgeous, megawatt smile. What would it be like to be friends with someone who is so at ease with people? Surely some of that would rub off, wouldn't it?

He made it back to the apartment and found Suga at the kitchen table in boxers and a t-shirt. Suga wasn't quite awake yet and mumbled a response when Kageyama said hello. Then a few minutes later, Daichi emerged from Suga's room and went to kiss his boyfriend on the forehead. "I'll see you later today, right?" Daichi asked. Suga nodded and mumbled again. Daichi said hello to Kageyama and then goodbye and was out the door, probably to class or work.

Kageyama said nothing. He was too busy feeling jealous of Suga's relationship with Daichi. He was lonely not only for friends, but for a boyfriend. He had never been in a relationship but watching Suga and Daichi made him yearn for a connection like that. They were so happy and cute together, and so comfortable. What would it be like to be that comfortable with another person? To be able to say and do what you want without fear of ridicule or rejection? It was unfathomable to Kageyama that he would ever connect with another person in that way. He sighed and went to his room to study. And yeah, maybe to think some more about the cute redhead with that pouty bottom lip.