Calm My World [Kagehina]

Chapter 13: Secrets

[CW: mentions of self-harm/cutting]

Hinata woke early the next morning to the sun shining brightly through the window and it took a moment for his brain to register where he was and who he was with. He smiled to himself when he remembered and rolled over to face Kageyama, whose face was still peaceful and beautiful and relaxed as he slept.

Kageyama was on his back, his right arm flung over his head on his pillow and Hinata scooted up to him, snuggling up to his chest. He laid there for a few minutes, his ear pressed to Kageyama's chest, listening to the steady thump of his heart. Hinata began moving his hand slowly and gently over Kageyama's shoulder and down his arm. He didn't want to wake his boyfriend yet, but he felt an overwhelming need to touch him.

Hinata was lazily moving his hands, closing his eyes, awake but resting and just enjoying the closeness when he felt it. A bump on the skin on Kageyama's left forearm. No wait. There was another, and another, and another. What the fuck? Hinata lifted his head to inspect Kageyama's arm and his heart sank.

Down Kageyama's arm were at least a dozen self-harm scars. Scars from cutting, Hinata knew. The realization made Hinata feel like vomiting. He looked up to Kageyama's still sleeping face and thought, Tobio, why? He would ask him when he woke up, would try to understand why Kageyama would hurt himself. Hinata had never done anything like that, although he knew of people who did, and he never understood how people could intentionally inflict pain on themselves when he himself spent all his energy avoiding pain at all costs. It seemed so foreign to him, and so sad. He laid there for a while, his hand ever so gently running over those scars waiting for Kageyama to wake up.

About twenty minutes later, Kageyama stirred. He felt something -- or someone -- warm curled against him and was momentarily confused. Until he remembered. Hinata. Kageyama smiled and moved his right arm down and around Hinata's back. He felt Hinata startle, just a bit, and then opened his eyes and looked down.

Hinata tilted his head to look up at Kageyama and softly greeted him. "Hey."

"Hey," Kageyama answered, his voice still gravelly from sleep. Hinata seemed like he wanted to say something else, but was silent. Kageyama's brows knitted together in confusion.

"What?" he asked, prompting Hinata to look away, and then back into Kageyama's concerned blue eyes.

Here goes, thought Hinata. "I saw your scars."

Kageyama's eyes widened slightly and then his sleepy look was replaced with a look of something... defensiveness maybe? Embarrassment?

Hinata continued, his tone gentle, "Obviously you don't have to tell me if you don't want to but I'd like to know. I'd like to understand."

Kageyama's lips tightened into a thin line and he looked away. How did you explain this to someone when you didn't even really understand it yourself? He was silent for a moment, and Hinata was just about to back off, to apologize, to change the subject, anything to avoid what was so clearly an uncomfortable topic for Kageyama.

But then Kageyama started to speak, still staring at the ceiling to avoid looking at Hinata while he confessed the actions that clearly made him feel ashamed.

"It's hard to explain. But sometimes I just feel so much mental and emotional pain, so much stress and frustration. Sometimes the anxiety and depression are just so overwhelming that I feel like I need to let it out. And I know it doesn't really make a lot of sense, but physical pain is a release, an outlet. Somehow feeling the physical pain, even seeing the blood, it somehow distracts me from the internal pain and, in a strange way, it makes me feel better. I... I haven't cut in months. I'm trying not to. Suga found me once, right after I did it, and he was ... horrified and upset. I don't want to put him through that again."

Kageyama fell silent and Hinata was absorbing the information, trying to fight back the tears that were welling in the corners of his eyes.

His voice was a little hoarse when he spoke. "I don't really understand, but it makes me really sad."

Hinata then sat up and leaned over Kageyama's chest, pulling the scarred arm toward him and then Hinata slowly, softly, gently placed warm kisses down Kageyama's forearm, down over the bumps and scars.

Kageyama's breath caught in his throat and he knew in that moment, without any doubt, that he was in love. The feeling bloomed in his chest like a rosebud opening its petals and he was suddenly overcome with emotion. Tears welled in his eyes and one slipped down his cheek.

Hinata looked up after placing his kisses and noticed Kageyama crying. "Hey," he said, so incredibly gently that Kageyama fell a little more in love. "What?"

Kageyama couldn't speak past the lump in his throat. He just shook his head and Hinata seemed to understand that there was too much to say.

Hinata reached up and wiped a tear away with his thumb. He trailed his thumb down to Kageyama's lips, touched them tenderly, and then placed a soft, sweet kiss on Kageyama's lips. Kageyama's heart lurched again, hardly able to comprehend or handle the unfamiliar feelings flooding over him.

"I'm sorry for bringing it up," Hinata apologized.

Kageyama found his voice, though it sounded strange to him. "No, it's not that. It's... it's hard to explain."

"You don't have to explain. But Tobio. Please don't hurt yourself anymore. Please. It would hurt me too."

Kageyama looked down into Hinata's soft brown eyes and fell a little further down the hole. How could he do anything to hurt this kind and loving soul who was looking at him with such tenderness? How could he not love someone so caring and open?

No, he wouldn't cut any more. Not as long as Hinata was around. Even if I can't do it for myself, I will do it for him, he vowed silently.

"Shoyo." It came out in a sort of tortured whisper. There was so much Kageyama wanted to say, so much he should say, but no further words came past the tightness in his throat. His head was swirling with a hundred thoughts and his heart felt like it would burst from his chest and it was all too much. He closed his eyes, searching for something, for words, for actions to express himself, but he couldn't seem to focus.

He looked down at Hinata again, hoping to say something, even if it was just "Thank you" but then his alarm went off and the spell was broken.

Kageyama grabbed his phone, trying not to jostle Hinata too much, and turned off the alarm. He still didn't know what to say, so he didn't say anything. 

He pressed a kiss to Hinata's forehead and hugged him a little closer. It would have to be enough for now.