Calm My World [Kagehina]

Chapter 18: Sex Education

Hinata was happy. He had a boyfriend who loved him (he still couldn't get over that) and who was not a giant prick. He had stood up to his giant prick ex-boyfriend, who hopefully still needed an ice pack for his balls. And he and Kageyama were going to have sex.

Yeah, all was right with the world.

Hinata had to do some cleaning around the apartment, shop for some groceries and do some school work, so Kageyama had reluctantly agreed to go back home and let Shoyo get his stuff done before they saw each other that night.

Hinata was smiling all day, beaming, shining, blinding smiles that prompted Yamaguchi to ask what the actual fuck, and then Hinata happily told him all about last night (well except the part where he was somehow a whore according to Yuji even though he was a virgin).

Yamaguchi was happy for him, having warmed up to Kageyama in the last couple of weeks and Hinata was not even going to let Tsukki's 'tsk'ing get to him today. Not when life was this good.

Back at Kageyama's place, life was, well, not good. The day had started out well enough, and he wasn't even bothered as people watched him do the walk of shame back home early on a Saturday morning. Hinata was his. Hinata said he loved him. And hopefully Yuji would leave them alone now, after the confrontation last night.

All good shit.

But...

Fucking anxiety.

As the day wore on, Kageyama became hyper-focused on the other stuff he and Hinata had talked about. The sex stuff.

At first the idea sounded fucking fantastic, thank you very much, a culmination of months of fantasy coming true? Fuck yeah, sign him up.

But the more he started thinking about it, the more he got in his head. That was the problem with anxiety. The obsessive negative thoughts flooded your brain, washing away or drowning anything positive that might have been there. Every. Fucking. Time.

So by noon time, Kageyama was in full-on panic mode. Because he and Shoyo were going to have sex(!) and well, he didn't know what he was doing.

First off in the long list of obsessive, overwhelming thoughts was the issue of what, er, roles would be. How did one have that conversation exactly? Did you talk it out beforehand or just kind of wait until the moment of truth? Neither one sounded like a good idea to Kageyama. Who wanted to discuss whose dick was going where? Was that really sexy? He considered and guessed it could be, theoretically speaking, but preparing for this whole eventuality meant that he really would like to know how that was going to work going in. Pun intended.

Next was the mortifying realization that he had little idea of the whole process, with the exception of the basics. What if he messed something up, did something wrong, or didn't do something he was supposed to? What if he made a fool out of himself and Shoyo didn't like him anymore. The thought made his face burn red with shame and fear. While part of him knew that Shoyo wouldn't care, wouldn't do that to him, his anxiety was fucking around and making him unable to push the thought aside.

Logic has no role to play in an anxious mind's worst case scenario.

After lunch, he made what was in hindsight the very questionable life choice of looking up stuff on the internet.

By the time he managed to escape back out of the rabbit hole he fell down, he was arguably traumatized. He was also convinced he had lost seven years off his life, most of his remaining brain cells, and all of his dignity.

This was very bad. Very bad indeed. Now what? He questioned, throwing his phone onto his bed and throwing an arm over his eyes. Unfortunately that did not erase the images he had been subjected to. Pity.