Calm My World [Kagehina]

Chapter 6: Courage

CW: mentions of self harm; negative self-talk

Kageyama woke briefly around ten o'clock Sunday morning. He rolled over, blocking the light shining through the window with an arm across his eyes. He realized he felt drained, like he hadn't even slept, even though he had gotten a good ten hours of sleep. Getting up seemed like too much of a chore, so he went back to sleep.

Around two o'clock, Suga gently knocked on his door. "Kageyama? Are you okay?"

Kageyama rolled over and realized he had slept half of the day. He still felt like shit, for no apparent reason. Depression was good if you ever wanted to feel like death without actually having the advantage of being dead.

"I'm alright. Just tired," he called to his friend.

"Can I come in?"

"Sure." Kageyama turned to face the door and saw Suga poke his head in.

"Did you sleep badly?"

"No, I slept okay. Just... just a bad day, I guess." Suga nodded with understanding, knowing that Kageyama sometimes had days like this.

"I wanted to ask if you were going to text Hinata today," Suga said.

Kageyama went still for a moment. He had forgotten Hinata. Hinata had given him his number two days ago and Kageyama still hadn't sent a text. That was bad, right?

"I... Do you think it's too late? Since I didn't do it yesterday?"

"Nah, it will be fine. He seems very nice. What are you going to say?"

"I have no idea. Will you help me?"

"Of course!" Suga replied. Kageyama sat up in bed and grabbed his phone. He went to the message Hinata had sent and hit reply. Then he stared at the screen, suddenly overtaken with fear. What if he said something stupid, on top of all of the other stupid things he'd said in the last couple of days? What if Hinata didn't want to be friends because Kageyama said stupid things in texts as well as in person.

Suga must have noticed his sudden change of mood. "Hey, Kageyama. Get out of your head. It's fine. Just say something simple. Like maybe 'Hi Hinata, it's Kageyama from the bookstore and the movies. Just wanted you to have my number. We should hang out sometime."

Kageyama's head snapped up at the last sentence. "I can't! I can't say that. He'll think it's stupid."

Suga sighed. "Kageyama, please. I know it's hard for you, but you've gotta trust me. That's a perfectly acceptable text to send to a new acquaintance and it does NOT sound stupid."

Kageyama stared at Suga for a minute and must have decided he was being honest. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure," Suga responded, with conviction.

Kageyama still had doubts, but so far Suga had never steered him wrong, so he took a deep breath and typed out the message Suga suggested. His finger hovered over the send button for several long seconds before he gulped down his fear and pressed it. He immediately looked up to his friend for reassurance.

"There! You did it. Now you just wait and see what he says." Suga got up to leave. "Why don't you get up and eat something."

Kageyama nodded but couldn't speak due to the knot in his throat. He sincerely hoped Suga was right. He liked Hinata so much.

Kageyama waited a few minutes and didn't get a response, so he reluctantly pulled himself out of bed. He went to the kitchen, walking past Suga and Daichi in the living room but when he got to the fridge, he stared at the contents for several minutes before deciding that the thought of eating food was just too nauseating right then.