it was all just a scream for help.

a change.

word count: 2160
TW : disordered eating (eating disorders) , self harm, light suicidal thoughts

I was up all last night, I've never wanted help so much. I want to die. I've tried once before, the night before my 18th birthday, it had nothing to do with my birthday. I just had a bad week and couldn't handle all the attention being on me. I woke up and spent the whole next morning throwing up and spent the day as I would if nothing had happened.

Plus I've always hated birthday calls. Like why call me and waste my time. I don't want the attention. I hate attention. That's why I haven't told anyone I feel do bad about myself. The conversation -asking for help- isn't in my best interest, nor do I have any interest in telling anyone. But I pray one day somebody will look at me and realise how bad it's been. How hard i've had it for the past 4 years.

So I thought to myself What do I have to do for somebody to realise, at first I just didn't think of anything that would scream I need help and then I thought, what if it was something they can see physically? I wasn't planning to start cutting visible places, I was planning on losing weight. It would be noticeable. This wasn't for attention it was all just a scream for help.

I sat up and checked the time, I saw all the notifications before noticing the big 5.46 AM. I've never slept well. Even when I was a kid - sometimes when I was young my Mum would give me lavender and spread it under my nose, but it never helped me.

I sat in bed watching a few episodes of The Simpsons before my Mum came in to see if I was awake it was now 6.48, "Morning sweetie, i'm going on a run, make yourself some breakfast and brush your hair," she says all smiley as per usual. She opens my windows and throws the clothes on the console into the laundry basket in the corner. "Thanks Mum.."
I mumbled quietly, she comes my way and kissed my forehead. "Clean this room tonight okay Hun?" she says laughing before she leaves my room.

I went downstairs and saw my sister Ana in the kitchen she was spreading honey on toast, "George want me to make you toast?" she asked me. We have a good relationship, since our parents divorced we agreed no fighting- little arguments were to be kept between us and forgotten about the next day. And you know what - it worked fine. "I'm fine, thanks though," she nodded and bit into her toast before tossing the knife into the sink and sitting at the island table.

I was sitting on my phone flipping through notifications, only answering Karl's and Sapnap's messages. I don't like making new friends, it's dumb because there is absolutely no way I'll be alive much longer. Karl calls me the same every morning, 7.30. This was the time Sapnap and Karl arrived at my house every day before school. Sapnap's been driving us for over a year now and I think it's nice - to have them at my door the same time every day even those days where I can't get out of bed.

I wave bye to Ana and left my house, I ran over to Sapnap's cheap red car his parent's bought him on his 16th birthday. "Morning Man," Karl says as I sit in the front by Sapnap, Karl is always in the middle back seat. It's the most dangerous. Sometimes I wish I could sit there - just a slight risk of dying makes me so happy. "Hey," I say smiling as Sapnap hands me a thickshake, sometimes on the way to school they would buy me food, usually just when Sapnap is dying for something besides his Mum's healthy food plan.

"No thanks," I mumble, Sapnap only laughs and forced my hand to grip the cardboard cup. "You know that kid, what's his name— Clay! Clay! Clay Dream? Remember that kid?" I nod slowly, Oh I remember Clay Dream. Poor guy honestly, people were so mean to him. Karl's eyebrows ruffle together slowly, he only came in year 10. Moved from North Carolina, "he was so popular until the 8th grade, some asshole pointed out that he self-harmed and he was sent straight to the counsellor. Then straight to a mental hospital and nobody has heard from him since," Karl nods and takes the drink from my hand and takes a sip, "keep it,
I don't want it," he shook his head and handed it back to me. This is going to be harder than I thought. "Clay's coming back today, Alex told me the other day," I smiled.