Entry #4
The first time she saw him, it was a Friday night and she was screaming her heart out, He was on a pedestal and he looked so dashing, so ravishing and every other possible yummy adjective she could think of.
"Beauty queen of only eighteen, she had some trouble with herself..." He sang as she screamed again. She knew her voice was only one against the crowd and she knew he'd never hear her but for some unknown reason, he saw her. And he wanted her.
His smile widened even more, and she wasn't even sure if it was even possible. Her heart beat erratically and she feared that she would pass out when he winked at her.
"I've had you so many times but somehow I want more..." His gaze never left hers. He was staring right through her and she was lost in his soul.
"I don't mind spending everyday, out on your corner in the pouring rain...And she will be loved."
She smiled a genuine smile knowing I had fallen in love.
"Kristoff Patangan sent you a request." Facebook informed her. Her eyes widened and she let out a blood-curdling scream. She fanned herself a dozen times before clicking the accept button.
Ping. A message appeared in her inbox.
"Hi! =)" He said.
"Hello. =)" She replied.
It was the start of something beautiful, or so she thought.
10 Years Later
"Ana?" He said as I felt his gray eyes burning through me. They were raging and I wondered why they looked like storms clashing with each other. Maybe it was the tumult of emotions that tried to escape his being. But I had no idea what those emotions were, I was as clueless as a baby.
"Yes, Kristoff?" I asked.
"I found someone."
My brows knitted in confusion as my whole body started to shiver. At first, my mind couldn't process the three words he said but in the end, it pondered as to why whenever something profound happens it always has something to do with the number three. Like, when you say "I love you" or "I miss you". Or the day we met. Was it parallel play?
Some other day I would have found it interesting or even humorous but not today. No, not today.
Today, those three words he uttered made everything inside of me crash and burn. Those three words he uttered caused the greatest inner destruction I had ever experienced.
I didn't know what to say as I looked up at him. My eyes were filled with questions and I hoped they scathed him.
He lowered his head as if he couldn't meet my gaze. Or maybe, he really couldn't and for once fate was on my side.
"Talk to me. Tell me it's not true." I sounded too desperate but I didn't care and he didn't seem to notice.
He didn't say a word, he just shook his head.
I bit my lip, they were quivering and I needed them to stop. I needed them to act strong in front of him, because he didn't seem to care about what I was feeling. I needed him to think I was strong, that he couldn't hurt me one bit.
"D-does she make y-you ha-happy?" My voice croaked and God, I needed to act strong.
He looked up, his face brightly lit and I knew I was in deep trouble.
Not once did he ever look at me like that. And I wish he did but I only ended up envying the girl who caught his heart.
She was the only one who lit his face like the sun. The only one who made his face shine brighter than that of a sky filled with stars.
"She does. So much."
"Well, I guess, I need to let you go." I whispered but he didn't hear it. Being ignored hurt like bones breaking but the pang was not a match to the pain of letting the one you love most go. It hurt so much. It hurt so much that the pain was practically indescribable by now. A mixture of broken bones and bloody knives. It hurt but it might be the only way.
For eight years, I gave myself to him. Mind, body, soul. Everything. My dignity, my virtue, my shame was set aside, weren't taken into consideration as every night I offered him what I could.
My hand went up to caress my belly and my eyes met the floor. It hurt knowing he'll never look at me the way he talked about her. I could feel the burning sensation in my eyes as unshed tears threatened to fall. But I held them in because my heart was being stabbed by a lance.
But maybe if I let him go, if every single thing about us fall apart, we'd fall into place.
"I guess we're done." I said and hurriedly scurried to the door. But I wasn't fast enough because before I could open it, I felt his strong arms wrapped themselves around me.
I sagged into the arms of the one who broke me. His heat warmed my cold shattered heart. I felt weak. I felt dirty. I felt so damn pathetic.
"You were the best friend I ever had."
And I couldn't hold them in anymore. The tears fell like I did: fast and sad.
"I hope you'll be happy with her. I wish you forever." Even if it doesn't exist. And even if it isn't with me, I wish you'll get your happy ever after.
I escaped from his hold because I knew that I shouldn't have fallen for him in the first place. That I shouldn't have fallen for the guy who took my virginity because he'll only love me enough for me to stay in his bed.
I ran down the stairs that led to the city where the night life thrived. It was a Friday night. Lights glittered around me. Signs twinkled high above me. Nothing made sense as I passed people laughing so hard, their faces looked torn. My head was swimming as drunk men, musicians, and artists ran around me. It felt so...surreal.
People my age were heading to bars. They were wasting their time on drinks and night clubs, poker tables and everything in between. They were wasting their time on their addiction, on what made them feel alive. But who am I to judge? I wasted eight years on mine. Atleast they'd end up happy. Drugs won't find someone else and booze won't leave you alone.
I felt someone grab my arm and I found myself screaming. "Let go of me!" It was a different voice, surely not my own. My breathing quickened and I tried my best to calm myself down.
"Wanna have a quickie, aye?" My eyes widened as I jerked myself from his hold and sprinted. He followed me and I ran faster. Kristoff. Kristoff, where are you? Everything was a blur around me.Cars screamed and whirred around me. People were laughing and shouting merrily. I didn't know where I was heading but I needed to get away.
"Look out!" I heard someone scream but I didn't knew that the warning was intended for me.
As I slowly went down, a flash of darkness enveloped me. But I wasn't afraid, I craved the darkness. Eventhough it threatened to engulf my whole being, I wanted it. Oblivion was better than not having him with me and so I found myself embracing death.
"Help! Someone's been hit!"
"Medic! Call for a medic!"
"Miss? Miss don't let go."
"Have you called 911?"
"Miss, hold on."
"Mama, look! The poor lady got hit by a car."
I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not thinking straight. I'm sorry f-for being sel-f-fish. I'm sorry. I fought the urge to close my eyes. I fought the notion of being at peace because I needed him to survive. But it was too late, I had already embraced too much of the dark. I'm sorry, I failed. Before every bit of my consciousness was lost, I found myself uttering a prayer.
"Lord, please save our ba--"
