"Maybe you should try asking your therapist how to communicate with him." Lori was sitting on the edge of the bed, having just spent the last forty- five minutes listening to her sister- in- law ramble on about martial drama.
Stevie wasn't very open about her feelings- few people were aware of the true depth she often felt. It was usually her doctor, her mother, Lori and on the rare occasion, when she was really desperate... she even confined in the nanny as someone to talk to.
It wasn't easy for her, not at all.
Resting her hands in her lap, Stevie twisted her gold wedding ring around her finger from the build up of nerves. "She told me, last week that I should try to be more open with him about... you know, my emotions." Her voice was soft and sad. "But it's so difficult, because I don't think he'll understand it."
She didn't want things to be that way, she really didn't. She wanted to be happy and normal again, but it was so much harder than she had ever imagined.
She wanted life back, but it felt so far away.
Lori reached out, taking Stevie's hand in hers to get her to stop fidgeting. "You've been married for twenty years, honey." She reminded her with a voice full of optimism. "You've been through the same things, the same heartache. If anyone understands how you feel, it'll be Lindsey." She whispered, running the pad of her thumb across the other woman's knuckles.
Stevie's forehead wrinkled up and her lips curled as tears filled her soft brown eyes. "I don't know how to talk to him anymore." She admitted as this overwhelming feel of pure fear filled the core of her insides.
Just the thought made her nauseous, which she knew was crazy, because they had spoken a thousand times, about a thousand different things for far longer then the two decades they had been married. But the truth was, she couldn't even remember the last time one of their conversations hadn't ended in yelling, or name calling... or just the inevitable, miserable silence that could have possibly been the worst part of it all.
"Well, do you want your marriage to work?" That was a deep question- one of those questions that only someone close, someone who had been there for it all could ask another person.
"Of course." She didn't even have to think about it, not for a split second.
She had never, not even at their absolute lowest point, wanted a divorce.
"Then when you're ready and the time is right, all the words will come to you and you'll know how to explain your feelings to him." Lori was so certain that if the other woman tried, it would happen naturally... The words would just flow and though it would still take time after that, it would be a good start.
"Thank you." Using one hand to wipe the tears from her eyes, Stevie used the other to squeeze Lori's.
"I love you, Stevie." She whispered, eyes scanning over her face. "Now, how about we get out of bed and maybe go to lunch?" That was a long shot, Lori knew that, but it was worth a try.
"I love you, too." Stevie replied, even though she was shaking her head softly. "But I don't want to leave the house today." She added.
~~~
It was later that night, after the kids had all gone to bed, Carrie had gone home, and Lindsey had finally come back in from the studio that Stevie decided that she wanted to just try... Try to be the woman she once was.
But it took a lot, a lot of prep time. So she stood in front the mirror for almost half an hour, giving herself a little peptalk, simply reminding herself that Lindsey was still Lindsey. He was the same man that had swept her off her feet many moons earlier....The same man that had stood next to her during the birth of four babies... The same man that she had once shared many dreams and goals with.
He was still the love of her life, even on the bad days.
Letting out a deep sigh, Stevie stepped out into the hallway, where the chilly air from an open window immediately greeted her.
It was late and the only noise that flooded the house was the faint sound machine from Clancy's room next door. But other than that, the house felt empty in a weird way.
Stevie took her time getting down to the end of the hallway, where Lindsey's bedroom was... the bedroom that he had taken up residency in a couple of years prior. It was something he wasn't too thrilled about at the time, but after a couple of weeks without cold feet pressed to his back, he had kind of grown accustomed to it.
But there were still occasions, late at night when he would miss her... He missed who they once were.
Pushing open the bedroom door, Stevie eyes scanned over the room. "Lindsey?" She whispered, certain that he was still awake.
Creasing a brow, Lindsey continued to stare
up at the bedroom ceiling. "Are you okay?" He asked, listening to the sound of her feet hitting the carpet as she ventured towards the bed.
"I'm fine." Her voice was still low, even though they were the only two people in the room. "I was just..." biting down on her lower lip, Stevie lingered close to the bed. "Can I lay with you?" She wondered, totally prepared for him to decline the offer.
At first he thought she was kidding, but when silence washed over them, he pushed himself up on his elbow to find her through the dark room.
She was standing right by the edge, all the way across the bed from him. She was wearing a silk robe and her long blonde hair laid in loose curls down her back.
She was still gorgeous... She always had been.
"Sure, yeah." He wasn't sure what to expect- it had been a long time since they had shared a bed.
With a soft sigh, Stevie pulled the comforter back on the empty side to climb in next to her husband.
"Are you feeling okay?" He asked as he watched her pull the blanket back up, all the way to her chest.
"I'm fine." She repeated with a faint eye roll.
Nodding lightly, Lindsey's gaze traveled up to the ceiling once more as he got comfortable on his back again.
He wasn't trying to make her feel like she was out of place, but it was a little out of character for her. She didn't even sit next to him on the couch anymore, and at the dinner table, she placed herself at the other end... as far away from him as possible.
So for her to randomly, out of nowhere, just decide to crawl into bed was odd.
Of course, it didn't take long for the room to grow still and the only sound was a bird chirping right outside the window... It was awkward.
It was the kind of awkward that just feels so unbearable, you want to escape it as fast as possible. But that was their marriage... It was almost unbearable.
"Do you ever think about her?" Stevie whispered through the room, breaking the silence that had lasted longer than either of them would have liked.
Lindsey's jaw settled as he shifted to look the other way- he didn't want to look at her. "I think I'll just go sleep on the couch." He tossed his legs over the edge of the bed, letting his feet hit the carpet to stand up. "Sleep well, Stevie." He added, running his fingers through his hair as he headed for the door.
And she laid there, all night... alone, like always.
