"You don't think Lindsey has fought for you?" Barbara couldn't help but wrinkle a brow as she tilted her head.
Pursing her lips to one side, Stevie's eyes traveled up, trying hard to refrain from crying more than she already had.
"Stephanie?" She squeezed her hand lightly as she stared at her intently. "You really think, that after all of these years, that the two of you have not fought for each other?" She repeated, hoping her words were reaching the most stubborn woman she'd ever met.
She wasn't picking sides- not for a split second... It was too complicated for that. Stevie and Lindsey had always, from the very start been a difficult couple.
Marriage is never easy, not for anyone, but they had really been a dealt a hard hand to play and that wasn't a secret to anyone around them.
"I remember the morning Lindsey asked your father and I if he could marry you..." she recalled, after Stevie had spent a long second totally silent. "He was so determined, so set on it." Barbara wouldn't forget that day, not ever. "All he wanted was you... you and a family." Her voice was so soft and hopeful in a way. "And I was so against it, too." She half scoffed, shaking her head in disbelief. "I told him that he was crazy for thinking that it could ever work between the two of you, especially after having such a complicated start... I thought he was being totally ridiculous." She couldn't help but smirk as she thought about how wrong she had been.
Shifting in her seat awkwardly, Stevie raised a brow softly. "Why are you telling me this, mom?" She cared- of course, she did, but she was trying hard to make it seem as if she didn't... Barbara didn't buy it.
"Because..." she lingered. "Because look how far you've come. Look how much you've fought to accomplish." She used her free hand to motion towards the woman sitting across from her. "Twenty years together and four kids." Barbara reminded her. "That's something to be proud of, sweet girl."
"Proud?" Stevie creased a brow as this tightness in her chest become almost overwhelming. "It's hard to be proud of a marriage, when one- fourth of it has been totally miserable." She was saying that lightly... miserable was really just an understatement.
Nodding her head, Barbara's eyes drifted down to the table. "You guys haven't had it very easy." She agreed with a hint of sympathy lingering in her voice. "But you haven't made it easy for each other, either." She added, pausing for a short moment, waiting for a response. "I think you both ran when everything happened... you ran in opposite directions, for that matter." She had never, not in all the years that had followed the tragedy, spoke to Stevie about it in too much depth.
Stevie didn't want to talk about it- not to anyone. It was hard, the hardest thing that could have ever happened and the whole time heals bullshit was a total scam... Time heals nothing.
"Lindsey calls me quite often." she announced, when she realized that her daughter wasn't really going to respond- she was going to listen. "Probably once a month, at least and we chat." She shrugged a shoulder, not sure if Stevie knew that, or not. "He needed someone to talk to after Alli..." Barbara's voice cracked, but she wasn't going to start crying- she wanted to get her point across strong first. "He wanted to talk to someone who understood and since he couldn't talk to you, he opened to me." Her eyes were so soft- she cared so much.
"You aren't the only other woman that he opened up to." Stevie mumbled, tears blurring her vision as her heart began beating a mile a minute.
"He did the wrong thing, TeeDee." She assured with absolute certainty. "He really messed up and I'm not sitting here, telling you that you should forgive him..." she held up one hand in defense as her other stayed tangled with Stevie's. "And maybe you don't care what I have to say, which is totally fine." If anyone knew how headstrong the blonde was, it was her mother. "But I do think, just maybe, if you sat down together, just the two of you and talked... It might not save your marriage, but it could save just a sliver of love that you once shared."
That's what did it- those were the words that caused Stevie's tears to stream down her cheeks as she stared into her moms eyes with a look of pure devastation.
"It isn't that easy." Her voice was so muffled from crying, it was hardly audio able.
"What isn't easy, honey?" She ran the pad of her thumb back and forth across Stevie's knuckles, trying to sooth her as best she could.
Bringing the other hand up to her face, she tried to hide how upset she had gotten. "Talking to him about it isn't easy..." she admitted something that really wasn't a secret.
"Why not?" She wasn't trying to make it worse- she was trying to understand, with hopes that they could get through it together. "Why isn't it easy to talk to the man that's been there through it all, right along side you?" She repeated.
"Because he's moved on... He's gotten over it and I still haven't." Her forehead wrinkled up as her bottom lip started to tremble.
"Stevie, he didn't just move on, not from losing Allison." She totally disagreed with that... Parents don't just get over that sort of loss, ever.
"He never wants to talk about her and he never shows any hint of emotion anymore." Of course, Stevie didn't want him to feel like she felt, but she wanted to know that he still cared... Allison deserved that.
"Lindsey's realized that he can't dwell on the things that he can't change." She repeated something he had shared with her during one of their many conversations over the phone. "Why do you?" She wasn't saying that in a harsh way- she was saying that in a concerned, caring way.
"Why do I, do what?" She creased a brow, not sure what Barbara was expecting from her.
"Why do you make yourself miserable over things that weren't your fault, and things that you can't change?" She rephrased, still staring into those big brow eyes.
Stevie thought about it for a moment, trying to decide if she really wanted to reply. "Because..." she lingered, biting down on her lower lip lightly. "Because kids aren't supposed to go before their parents." She had never shared that with anyone- not her husband, not her close friends and not the multiple therapists that she had in the years that led up to that moment. "We missed it all, mom." She whispered. "We missed first grade, her first bike, her first loose tooth and I'll never get over that." She shrugged as she shook her head softly. "I won't get to see her go to prom, go on a date, graduate, get married..." all of things were things that parents looked forward to and Stevie absolutely dreaded it. "I've missed it all and that just doesn't seem fair." Her tears were uncontrollable at that point and her words were so scattered and shaky.
Barbara had tears in her eyes as well, suddenly having a hard time finding the right words to respond. "That isn't fair, I totally agree." She assured as she gave Stevie's hand another gentle squeeze. "But you have a lot of life left to live and there's no doubt in my mind, that you will be happy again." She knew, deep down that her daughter was capable of finding peace... She had to be hopeful. "And if it's not with Lindsey, then I'm sure there's someone else out there for you."
"No..." Stevie mumbled right away. "I don't want anyone else." She was still bawling, even though she was trying hard not to draw any sort of attention. "I still want my husband."
