footballers imagines

not the deal - ben chilwell

request|
: you and ben broke up and although you can't stand each other, you'd by lying if you said either of you ended up at the others house on a lonely night. while this is all happening, you're falling for each other once again. but that's not the deal :

There's a knock on the door, it's 10pm. Only one person who it could be, Ben.

You're not really in the mood for anything tonight however you still find yourself opening the door to greet him.

"Ben, i don't want to right now." You explain, not even having to specify what you're talking about.

"No- me neither. I wanted to talk."

"Why?"

"I just want to. Can i come in."

You want to tell him no, to slam to door and return back to the couch. But, you step aside and welcome him inside. Something you do way too much.

Once he becomes more clear in the lighting, you can tell the redness around his eyes, dark bags hanging under his blue orbs.

"What's up with you?"

If life was perfect, you and Ben would've never broke up in the first place. You'd lay together on the couch, bickering over what movie you should watch, greeting him after his matches to congratulate him. Most importantly, you should be there for him on the bad days but you can't. It's not the deal.

"I cant do this anymore." He breathes out, sitting on the edge of your sofa and bouncing his leg.

"Do what?"

"Everything. I don't know what you want to do but i can't just be coming over to your house on a late night nearly every day for something i don't want."

"We don't have to do that, we can end it now." You nod, although it beats you up inside to say it. You don't want Ben to leave.

"You're not getting it. I don't want this quick fuck then leave."

"Yes, i know. I told you it's fine and we can leave it."

Ben chuckles to himself, shaking his head. "I want it to be us again."

"Oh." Is all you can get out, should you be happy? Is this what you really want? "But that's not part of the deal."

"I know it's not part of the deal, but who actually cares? I regret anything i did bad to you, i miss you. Do you know how much i'd do for you?"

"I do. It's not just as easy as that though. We broke up for a reason."

"You're right, because of stupid actions. I'm sorry, okay?"

"I know."

You open your arms for Ben, he notices and immediately moves up. He lays in your lap as you stroke through his hair.

"I just don't know what to do, Ben."

"Do you still love me?"

"That's not the deal." You say bluntly, but really you do love him. Of course you do.

"I don't give a fuck about the deal. I already told you that, just answer me." He stares up at you. "You must do a little bit or this wouldn't be happening."

You cant help but smile, he's still wearing the same cocky smirk he always does. Especially when he knows he's right.

"Cant help yourself, can you?"

"Nope." He sits up, not moving from your side but pulling you down onto his lap instead. "My legs don't fit that way, sorry."

"It's fine."

Reliving these moments with Ben is one of your favourite things to do. He loved having your head in his lap since he can play with your hair.

"It was a stupid agreement. Why did we do this?"

"We're stupid." You laugh slightly. "Right, what are we doing about this then?"

"You never answered my question."

"Shame."

You sit up from his lap, walking away from the sofa to the kitchen.

"Where are you going?" He questions, following your trail.

"Getting a drink."

"I get you don't want to answer it. But please just think about it. I miss what we had."

"I miss it too." You admit, filling your cup. "But it doesn't mean it's right."

As much as you'd love to let yourself fall weak and straight into his arms, you can't. When you broke up, you expected nothing else but then you realised you needed each other.

If you only used each other in physical ways, then maybe you wouldn't still love and care for each other properly. The pair of you couldn't have been more wrong.

Part of you wants him back and will do anything for that but what's the point? What if the same mistakes are made?

On the other hand, what if you're meant to be back together but you're in denial about it.

"It is right though. I promise." He hops up onto the counter.

"You don't know that."

"You're right, but if we didn't want anything then we wouldn't be in this situation at all. Just try it again."

"I miss you, i miss coming home from a bad day and you're there, i miss seeing you in the crowd with my name on your back, i miss bringing you out with me to all the events, i miss the lazy days when we would just be with each other. Just one more time, please?" He adds.

You sigh, Ben doesn't often like to put himself in such vulnerable positions so you know he's genuine.

"Okay, let's try it again." You smile, jumping on the counter opposite him.

"Seriously?"

"Seriously."

Ben's smile grows, he jumps from the counter to come over to you, pulling your legs so they're wrapping around his torso then completely lifting you from the kitchen counter.

"Thank god, that would've been so embarrassing if you said no."

"I didn't just say it because of your little speech. I miss you too."

"Can i say it?" He asks and it doesn't take long for you to figure our what he's talking about. "Let me say it."

He doesn't even give you space to answer, pulling your lips to match up with his.

"You can say it."

"I love you."