Everyone has a reason {Bellatrix lestrange x female reader}

Calm before the storm {TW ~ mentioned in the chapter}

*{time skip cos i'm lazy}*

So me and Bella have been attending classes for two weeks now , and its getting repetitive, in summary we've just been looking out for the boy , closely studying where he goes in his free time , who he talks to , ect .

As of now i was laying in bed awake , its somewhere around 4am and i haven't slept yet , i've been worrying...worrying that this mission will get either me or Bella or both of us killed . Bella hadn't slept in the other bed , not once , she always made sure to hold me close while falling asleep , in a way it gave me a huge sense of comfort .

This experience is definitely bringing us a lot closer , i honestly feel like a teenager again , sneaking around school to either smoke or go on walks after curfew with Bels .
A little twitch from Bella brought me out of my thoughts , i turned my head to face her , only to notice her eyebrows scrunching and an uneasy look plastered on her face .

She was mumbling something , i assumed it was a night terror . Softly , i wrapped my arms around her and stroked her silky ringlet curls , soothing her until the movements slowed and eventually stopped . I decided not to wake her and just to mention it when she woke up .

*TW ~ flashbacks of abusive childhood*

I lay with my hands tightly buried in her hair , i desperately wanted to keep her safe , that instinct was growing stronger everyday . This reminded me of when i was a child and i would hide under my covers , clutching my stuffed rabbit , pretending to speak quietly to it in order to distract myself from the chaos beckoning from my parents bedroom .
A small smile spread across my face as a salty tear rolled down my cheek and over my lips , but the smile faded as one memory led to another . A spontaneous wave of uncomfortableness filled my body , i think it was anxiety , but i felt a pit in my stomach and my thoughts felt like they were crossing over and knotting together , i couldn't function.

Quietly and slowly , i climbed out of my bed and tip toed to the bathroom . I closed the door and slid down it . It had been a while since id sat on a cold bathroom floor , but it made me feel safe , protected from the outside world , i don't know how or why but it just did .

*TW ~ ED thoughts , SH*

I didn't know what to do , that uncontrollable urge filled my head , that uncontrollable urge to hurt myself . Bellatrix obviously was wary with what she and myself packed so i didn't bring any blades , i couldn't of anyway after Cissy threw them out . A little bit of anger clouded my mind , it wasn't me thinking , it was my illness thinking , i was angry at Bella , angry at Cissy for making me like this , i had gained weight , and my arms were empty , it felt like everything i went through was being erased , that bothered me because it made me think i was faking it the whole time , i wanted to be thin again , i wanted to have the hidden marks on my arm .
I couldn't break the razor blade out of mine or Bella's razor , she would notice , so i resorted to a state of frustration, i rolled up the sleeve of my hoodie , and started scratching at me arm , i didn't stop , i kept going and going until one red mark turned into six , and six red marks turned into friction burns , and six friction burns turned to blood . I didn't stop until my skin was scratched raw and small drops of blood appeared from the wounds.
I stood up and looked in the mirror , lifting up my shirt , sucking in to see my once prominent ribs being covered by layers of skin .
*they did this to me*
*I'm fat and its all their fault*
*why would they do that*
*they took away my only bit of self confidence*
I couldn't handle it anymore , i had to get out of here , i needed to clear my head before i did anymore damage .
I walked out of the bathroom and took a quick glance at the clock on the wall.
'5:02am' the clock read .
*i have enough time for a quick walk* i thought to myself .
I slid on some shoes and made my way to the door , but as i turned the handle to open it , i heard a voice behind me.
"y/n ? where are you going ?" Bella's voice whispered from the other side of the dimmed room.
"i- on a walk...i need to clear my head" i lowered my head in shame.
She sat up and rested herself against the headboard , she then patted the spot in between her legs , indicating for me to sit .
I shyly walked over and sat down , with my back against her front , her arms wrapped around my waist .
"whats troubling you" she asked softly
"nothing its nothing- i just- , i was having a moment and i- i know you wouldn't want me to do anything stupid so i was gonna go on a walk to clear my head" i said , slightly ashamed , knowing i had already done something.
"why? whats up honey ? tell me what happened" she replied
"just...flashbacks" i said
Then she just tightened her embrace and kissed me on the head .
"sweetheart you should've woken me up , come on , ill go with you" she said.

Suddenly , i didn't hate her , i realised i didn't mean any of those thoughts , it was just me being brainwashed . Bella cared for me , deeply , and the fact that she would prioritise me over her sleep , the fact she would drop anything to make me feel better , made me feel so special and so wanted .
I didn't want to fight anymore so i just gave in , i nodded and smiled and gave her a small 'okay'.

- - -
We were walking around the school gardens after curfew , Bellas fingers intertwined with mine , soft crunches of leaves could be heard under our feet and the cold air hit the back of my throat like a train , most would find it uncomfortable but i have always had an indescribable love for autumn and winter . Sure , we had that small worry , that small bit of doubt , that tiny ball of worry that we might get caught , but we've been breaking rules for a long time , and besides , there was always something so fun about being places where we aren't meant to be .

"ya know , i was thinking its time we put our plan into action" Bella said , out of the blue.

"what do you mean Bels , our only instructions were to observe the boy which we've been doing perfectly" i replied

she stopped and turned towards me , grabbing both of my hands and locking our eyes .
"the dark lord wants us to capture him" she whispered.
"i- why didn't you tell me about that" i said a little too loud .
"no its not like that , he only sent word to me this evening , i was waiting for the right time to tell you" she continued.

"well how the bloody hell does he expect us to capture him , we're practically walking ourselves into getting caught" i whisper - shouted.

"i found out that he likes to go to the forbidden forest most nights after curfew , we can find him tomorrow night and get him" she calmly stated.

"fine. but this better work" i shakily said.

*A/N (pls read*
So sorry its taking me so long to upload , schools a nightmare and i'm tryna get myself out of being excluded rn , but i have the next chapter perfectly planned out so it will match up with the ending i want . enjoy this chapter , thankyou sm for reading !! stay safe and healthy my lovelies :))

~h <3