The Unexplainable You.

Part Ten. Portland.

I kneel on the ground long after he leaves. I want to cry, but I feel far too numb to even express emotion.

A knock at my door finally shakes me from the feeling. I stand up, overcome by a wave of dizziness. I grip onto my IV pole, waiting until the spinning subsides before walking to answer the door.

Jennifer stands at the door, her hands folded, eyes wary.

"Hey," She says, "I just wanted to make sure that you knew that when Asher left, he wasn't mad, you didn't do anything wrong. He had a mild seizure and he didn't want you to worry about him."

I bite my lip, nodding. "he's okay though, right?"

She laughs lightly, rubbing her hands on her pants. "yeah. We have him on a sedative, but he should be fine in a few hours."

I let out a breath I didn't realize I'd been holding.

"So can I come see him?" I ask, shifting on my feet. 

Jennifer smiles, mischief in her eyes as she replies "Yeah, but you should probably get some rest first. I'll come get you when he wakes up."

I smile weakly, only realizing after she mentions sleep how utterly exhausted I am. I've realized from countless anxiety attacks that they really drain me sometimes. Even if I sleep for hours, I need a good full night of rest and a large hazelnut and honey breve to really reset myself.

"I'll be back." she tells me, smiling. "Sleep well."

I nod, shutting the door behind her as she leaves.

I let out a heavy sigh, falling into bed. My head throbs and my fingers tingle, numb almost.

I pull my covers up to my neck, savoring the warmth like well, a warm blanket.

Gosh, I'm sorry that was the only metaphor I could think of.

The steady beeping of machines stresses me out and calms me at the same time. I've always hated hospitals, but at the same time when Mal was sick when we were younger the hospital like this one saved his life.

"We just got his blood test back." His doctor tells us. "Good news, his blood is completely cancer free."

I'll never forget the look on Dad and Andy's faces. Mine was probably quite similar.

"Now, the process is quite easy. Sign a few papers and then we can get him out of here."

I catch the eye of my brother, sitting behind the doctor in a wheelchair grinning like a madman. I grin back at him.

That was back before we moved to North Carolina, Mal was a freshman, I was in seventh grade, Andy had just started middle school. It was scary for us, we had just sold our house and were living with our grandma, barely getting by with Mals' medical bills. We thought we were going to lose everything. Dad always tried to make it seem not as bad, joking that it was an adventure, but both of us were in middle school, we understood what was going on.

***

I wake up with a start, a knock at the door. I sit up, rubbing my eyes. I expect Jennifer to come in and tell me I can come see Asher, but instead a tall man walks in, an older version of my brother.

"Daddy!" I exclaim sitting up and throwing my arms out for him to hug. He wraps me in a tight embrace, his arms strong around me.

"I missed you sweetheart." He whispers in my ear, pulling me closer to his chest.

For those who haven't caught on, my dad is gone a lot. He works as a pilot for American airlines and is always traveling. I can't believe he took even a minute off of work to come see me. It's crazy.

"I'm so sorry this is happening." He tells me, pulling away and gripping on my shoulders.

"It's okay daddy, really." I assure him "I'll get better soon and then you won't have to worry about me."

"just because you aren't sick doesn't mean I don't worry about you doesn't mean I don't worry about you. It just gives me a valid reason."

I laugh, curling into his arms.

"When do you have to leave?" I ask, looking up at him.

He grimaces, not looking at me. "I have to leave tomorrow, that was all I could get off. I'm sorry sweetheart."

I give him a weak smile. "really dad, it's fine. I understand."

He kisses me on the forehead, standing up. "Well baby, I gotta go take your brother to soccer practice but I'll be back soon."

I grin, hugging him quickly. 

"Thank you for coming to see me."

He smiles, kissing me on the forehead. "See you tomorrow."

I smile at him. I don't want him to leave, but I can't fight it. He needs to go, I can't keep him for myself.

"Bye Daddy."

"See you tomorrow sweetie."

He closes the door quietly behind him, giving me one last wave before passing the window.