The Unexplainable You.

Part Thirty-Three. Portland.

"Can you stay with me?" I ask Asher, cupping his face in my hands. "I don't want you to leave me again."

He shrugs, touching his nose to mine. "I promised that I would go back to my room if they let me come see you."

I nod sadly, resting my head in my hands, pain overtaking me.

"Will you come back?"

He bites his lip, staring at his lap. "I hope so."

I kiss him on the forehead, tasting his salty skin on my tongue, like a reprive from the pain, if just for a moment.

"I love you Asher."

"Love you too, Princess."

***

"Have you heard from Mal recently?" Andy asks, sitting at the edge of my bed, working on one of his sketches. From what I can tell, it's a drawing of me, in this moment. But it's also half finished and upside down, so what do I know.

I shrug, shaking my head. "not particularly."

By his expression I know that he knows what I mean. Not at all.

"he's been asking about you a lot though."

The thought should make me feel better, but it only feels like a punch to the gut.

"tell him I miss him."

He nods, biting his lip, breaking his eyes away from his drawing. "It's not your fault, you know that, right?"

I just stare at him, fighting to keep my face neutral. I take a deep breath as I try to keep my nausea and longing at bay.

 "yeah," I mumble, "yeah, I know."

He grimaces, nodding tightly. "I probably should get going."

I watch him gather his art supplies and slide them all into his dark red backpack, his hands dry from the lack of humidity we've had.

He's really beautiful, honestly. His blond hair is mussed over his icy blue eyes, always smiling. He's not tall, but not short, almost perfect. He has long slender fingers that are perfect for piano, which he tried once. But mostly, he uses his beautiful hands for painting and drawing, as he should of course. He's really talented, more talented then I could ever be.

"I'll be back tomorrow.," He tells me, giving me a light kiss on my bare forehead. "Just relax,"

I give him a weak smile as he pulls away, backing out of the room.

I fall back into my pillow, tears flowing out of my eyes. He's wrong, I might be the reason that Mal's not here, and it's not souly because of me, but we would be together if it wasn't for cancer. But of course, I'm the one with cancer, so it very well could be my fault.

I go through this cycle for way too long, blaming cancer then blaming myself, over and over until I can barely take it any longer.

I feel like my head's about to explode when someone opens the door, but my eyes are too blurry to see who it is.

"Are you okay, Bambi" They ask, worry tensing their voice like a rope pulled too tight.

I nod, resting my head in my hands, waiting for the pulsing to cease. Their voice sounds so familiar,  but black spots flood my vision and I fall back to the darkness before I have a chance to tell him 'I missed you.'

***

My heart beats with excitement as I walk down the hall to the room with the pink curtains. This is always my favorite part of the week. My backpack bounces on my back, full of colorful makeup and toys.

I take a deep breath, lifting my fist up to the door, my entire figure buzzing with anticapation.

I knock on the door of room 222, it instantly cracking open to reveal a pair of large deep brown eyes.

"Portland!" Emma exclaims, running out and jumping into my outstretched arms. I scoop her up, laughing as I spin her around.

Over the past month or so, Emma has been the only real bright spot in my life. The only one who can make me smile at this point. When she saw me after I started losing my hair, she didn't look at me any different. She gave me one of her headbands that she wears and told me that we could be twins. 

I don't think she'll ever realize how much that meant.

"What did you bring?" She asks, pulling at my backpack as she leans her head against my shoulder.

I grin, setting her down and tossing my backpack onto the ground in front of her, kicking the door closed behind me.

I kneel down in front of her. The joyful light in her eyes could have lit up the have lit up the whole ward as I pulled out a rainbow eyeshadow pallet and a few of my old dolls that Andy dropped off for me to bring to Emma.

"Dollies!" She exclaims, grabbing one that I bought specifically for her. A Barbie who is bald, a cancer warrior doll.

"She looks like me!" Emma grins, holding the doll next to her face. I laugh as I continue to pull out a pack of brushes and a sheet of rainbow stickers for her to decorate her IV pole with. She grabs them excitedly out of my hand, examining them like they're the greatest thing she's seen all day, the Barbie doll all but forgotten. 

I spend the rest of the afternoon letting her do my makeup and playing with the dolls, and we end out the time with a movie. We both sit in her bed, curled up in a pile of blankets until she falls asleep in my lap.

She's so peaceful, like even though she's going through so much, even though she's in so much pain, she's joyful. I miss being joyful. I wish I could be like her, but she doesn't have the stress of friends, and school, and her family being afraid to see you, and losing people that mean the world to her!

All in that moment, the emotions all hit me like ton of bricks, and I can't help the tears from falling.

"Portland?" Emma groans, sitting up from my lap. "What's wrong Portland?"

I try to smile, but my chest feels like it's tightening by the minute.

"Don't cry Portland." She says, wiping the tears from my face with her little pale hand. "Why are you sad?"

I sniffle, shaking my head. "I'm fine, sweetheart. Don't worry about me."

"No." She insists, holding both of her hands up to my eyes. "Stop."

I manage to give her a small smile, sniffling as I pull her into my chest. "I'm okay Emma, I've just been really worried recently, that's all."

"Don't be worried," She tells me, smiling. "Because Barbie wouldn't want you to be sad."

I laugh as she holds the Barbie doll above her head shaking it as she says in a voice a half octive higher then her own. "Portland, I don't want you to be sad, because that makes me sad, and you don't want me to be sad, right?"

I nod, laughing despite the tears threatening to well over.

"I love you Portland." She whispers, burrowing into my grey hoodie. "I love you so, so so much!"