The Unexplainable You.

Part Thirty-Nine. Asher.

Back at our hotel room, Portland and I curl up in my bed to watch some TV. My arms around her waist, her hands resting on mine, eyes set shut.

"Are you awake?"

She nods lightly, tucking her head into my arms, her breath warm on my wrists.

"This is nice,"

I smile down at her, remembering all the times I dreamed about this, dreamed about being able to touch a girl without...

Even the thought of Johanna makes my heart skip a beat.

"Yeah," My voice sounds a bit tight, tears creeping in on me like the monster crawling up in my mind, showing me all the things I could have had if I was normal. "Yeah, this is really nice."

"Hey Ash," She mumbles, rolling over to meet my eyes. Her face is pale, her eyes sunken. 

She looks sick.

"Yes, my love?"

"If I," She breathes, closing her eyes. "If I... you know. Will you move on and find someone else?"

I wish I could come up with an answer, but the question is too close, too personal to just come out with it.

"I don't think I could." I tell her honestly, tears breaking into my eyes. "You... you're the only person I've ever wanted to spend my whole life with. I don't think I could move on."

She nods silently, a bit of blush coming to her stark white cheeks. 

"So you're just gonna go your whole life being alone?"

I shrug, fingering her beenie until it slides off her smooth head. I reminder of why we're here.

"I guess so."

She scoffs, tugging at the hem of her hoodie. "We both realize how stupid that is, right? I mean, you're highschool girlfriend, a perfect match, dies of cancer. And you never even try to find anyone to love ever again."

Her words are like salt in a wound and I instinctivly wrap my arms a bit tighter around her waist.

"I'm not asking you to go find someone as soon as I'm gone." She whispers, brushing a strand of hair off my forehead. "I just want you to know that you don't have to love me forever. I'll always be your first love, but I won't be your last."

She grips my chin, forcing me to look into her eyes. Even her grip is weak, reminding me of everything I might lose.

"I want you to hear this." She says, her expression more serious then anything I've ever seen from her.

"If you love me," She whispers, tears shaking her voice. "You have to move on."

***

"Do you guys want to go swimming with mom and I?" Mal asks, leaning in the doorframe. I can see the instant regret once his eyes land on me, or more, the bag of feed I'm cleaning up and throwing away. His eyes find my O2 concentrator, my oxygen tank, the full suitcase of pills I have to take.

"I'll go," I insist, hobbling over to my wheelchair. "I'll just watch."

I raise my eyebrows, glancing at Portland for approval. She nods, grinning mad.

"I'll go get changed, Be right back!"

She heads to the bathroom, locking the door behind her.

"Can I ask you something?" Malachi asks, shutting the hallway door lightly behind him and sliding to the floor.

I nod, sliding my shirt off over my head, revealing scars upon scars, my G tube, my skin stretched too tight over my ribs. I almost miss the miniscule flinch coming from Mal as his eyes float over me.

"Do you love my sister?"

I don't even think before I nod my head quickly, giving him a small smile.

"yeah, I really do."

He nods slowly, almost as If contemplating my answer.

"She really loves you." He replies, his eyes fixed on my concentrator. "I would just hate to see her get hurt."

I grimace, rolling over until I'm only a few feet away.

"I would never hurt her." I insist. "On my life, I promise you that I would never hurt her."

***

"Marco!" Portland shouts, half paddling, half waking through the waist deep pool.

"Polo!" Malachi replies grinning as he dunks under the water, his hair falling around him like a small squid.

This goes on for a few minutes until Portland smacks into Mals leg, squealing with surprise.

They both pop out of the water, laughing. Portland's mascara trails down her face, her eyes full of light. She looks beautiful.

"Come on!" She calls, waving over at me. I smile, grabbing my crutches and hobbling over to the edge of the pool, squating  down until my feet dip in the water. Portland pattles over to me, resting her hands on my knees, soaking my pants instantly.

"Kiss me," She slurs, pressing herself up out of the pool until her lips touch mine. They're wet and soft, her hands twisting in my hair, pulling me under the water with her. 

Everything goes silent under the water as she kisses me, the only noise being my own breathing, entangled with hers. In that moment everything's perfect. 

That's when I wake up.