The Unexplainable You.

Part Thirty-Two. Asher.

The second I wake up there's one thing on my mind.

Portland

I need to see if she's okay. She wasn't doing so good when they put me under.

I lean on my elbows, the plastic mask over my nose and mouth feeling like it's choking me. 

The nurse sitting in the chair next to my bed stands up abruptly, dropping the file out of her lap.

"You're awake." She says, like it wasn't already obvious.

"I need to see Portland Cormwell." I insist, my voice hoarse. "Now, I need to make sure she's okay."

She shakes her head, grimacing. "I can't let you do that. You're not in any condition to-"

"I don't care what condition I'm in." I snap, needing her so badly it's like hunger pains. "I need to see her. Now."

I didn't mean to snap, but I need to see her. I need to see her smile and hear her laugh. I need it like a tree starved of water.

She glances out the window, nodding reluctantly. "Fine, but only for a few minutes, and then it's back to your room."

"Thank you!" I exclaim, sitting up and yanking the mask off my face.

After ten minutes of her trying to get me stable enough, She pushes me down the hall, to the elevator.

"What floor is she on?"

"Four." I reply, practically bouncing in my wheelchair.

***

The fourth floor is practically empty, no nurses milling around, no patients hanging out. Empty, including her room.

"No," I mumble, standing up. "No, no no." 

Her room, room 407 is stripped of all of her decorations. Her lights and books piled high, her clothes stacked in the corner, blankets strewn across her bed.

"Asher," Someone says behind me, resting a hand on my shoulder. I turn to meet the hard, steely eyes of Dr. Taylor.

"Where is she?" I sniffle, rubbing my eyes. "Where's Portland."

"She's in her room."

I glance back through the window, taking in the room again as if I could have missed her.

"No," He laughs, resting his hand on my shoulder. "She's in her room in the cancer ward."

At first the words don't register in my mind.

"Cancer ward?"

He nods sadly, his thick eyebrows furrowing.

"A lot has happened while you've been asleep."

I don't even wait for the nurse as I roll myself down the hall, to the elevator, to the second floor.

She has to be okay. She can't actually have cancer, right? I mean, she's probably just there for testing. She doesn't have cancer, it wouldn't make sense. It wouldn't.

My heart drops when I see Andy sitting outside one of the rooms, his head in his hands. 

"Andy!" I exclaim, grabbing his attention. "Andy, where's Portland?"

His face is tearstained, the expression sending a pit flying into my paralysed stomach.

He gestures with his head through the window, nodding sadly.

I rush over next to him, analysing the scene in front of me. Ronnie is sitting in the hospital bed, a small figure laying in his lap, curled into a tight little ball. They look like they're made of purely skin and bones, their skin stretched tight across their bald scalp.

"Is that..." My voice is caught in my throat. 

He nods sadly, rubbing the tears from his face. "Portland."

In that moment, I can almost tangibly feel all the hope leaving my body. This girl who I've loved for almost half a year, losing her uphill battle. I want to fight with her, to carry her burden, but my shoulders are already to weak, and I know that I can't help her.

"Do you think that I could see her?" I ask, my stomach twisting in knots.

"I guess so, but don't wake her up, she hasn't slept in days."

I nod, rolling over to the door, cracked open. Soft words come from inside the room, Ronald whispering soft nothings to the ghost in his lap.

"Asher," He whispers, his expression terrified, like I shouldn't be here. Maybe I shouldn't. 

"I thought you were in a coma."

I nod, rolling my chair over next to her, grasping her pale hand. "I was, I woke up twenty minutes ago, and I uh, I had to come see her."

He nods, his eyes falling on the frail body in his lap. Her skin is pale, and her soft skin sunken into the nooks and crannies of her body, the body I've grown so familiar with, the way it moves and the things she does to make it stronger, thinner. This is the girl I couldn't bear to lose, losing herself.

"Is she okay?"

He shrugs, his long hands running across her back. "She started treatment about a month ago, she's been doing chemo once a week and radiation therapy three days a week, but Dr. Taylor said it's not working, so he started her on a higher dose today, and she didn't react very well to it."

"She's been sick?"

He nods tightly, pain spotting his features. "It's horrible Asher. I can't bear to see her like this."

She rolls over in his lap, her face tight and pale. Ronald grimaces, reaching over and grabbing a blue plastic bag from the side of the bed. Almost if on cue, she sits up, grabbing the bag out of his hands and heaving into it. The room instantly smells like copper and drugs, which is what I've been told chemo smells like. It makes me just want to stand up and give her a hug, never letting her go.

Her shoulders shake as she vomits, Ronalds hand on her back. But I just sit there, dumbfounded. This is the girl who told me that no matter how bad it got I had to keep fighting, that she understood but I couldn't die, she needed me. But here she is, looking like she's ready to die.

"Portland." Ronald whispers, a glimmer of a smile on his face. "Portland, there's someone here to see you."

"tell them I don't want to see them right now." She quips, leaning over the bag and heaving some more.

"I think you might." 

She sighs, rolling over. "Fine, just make it  quick..."

Her eyes meet mine, and I swear, all the fight leaves them.

"Asher." She sobs quietly, tears forming in her sunken eyes. "But, you... They said you weren't going to make it."

She sits up, grabbing my hands tightly. "What are you doing here?"

"I had to see you."

In that moment, all the resolution leaves her eyes. She crawls out of bed, standing on shaking legs as she leans over, wrapping her thin arms around my neck.

"I thought I was going to lose you." She whispers in my ear, her tears wetting my hospital gown. "I thought you were gonna die, I thought I wouldn't ..."

She cuts off short, pulling away, her red eyes meeting my own. 

"I love you Asher." She whispers. "I love you, and I don't think I realized how much I needed you until..."

"Until I was gone?" I offer.

She nods, tears filling her eyes.

"Please don't ever leave me again." She tells me. "Please."

In response, I give her a light kiss on the lips. "I promise."