The Unexplainable You.

Part Nine. Asher.

I stumble down the hallway, the world spinning around me. I can't believe that just happened, I can't believe I just told her everything. And crying in front of her like a child? Not my finest moment.

I run into Jennifer on the way back to my room.

"Woah, Hey, Asher, Buddy." She grabs my shoulders, forcing me to look at her. "Are you having another seizure?"

I shake my head, taking deep breaths like Portland showed me. 

In

Out

In

Out.

"Let's get you back to your room." Jennifer says, leading me by the shoulder down the hall. I'm too tired to fight her.

She gets me back in bed, pulling the blankets around me.

"I'll be back in a little bit." She tells me. "Press the nurses button if you need anything, okay?"

I nod weakly, closing my eyes and leaning back into my pillow. 

"Hey Jenna?" I rasp. She turns, nodding.

"Can you make sure that Portland-" I suck in a deep breath, even the short sentence making me winded. "Can you make sure that she knows that she didn't do anything wrong? I just know that she can sometimes blame herself, and I don't want her to... To beat herself up."

She smiles, hooking me up to a bag of fluids, the effects instantly setting in.

"Of course Ash. Now, you get some sleep, Okay?"

I nod, curling myself into a ball and letting the drug pull me away.

Sleep comes, but it is far from dreamless.

I can hear my parents screaming in the living room downstairs.

"I can't do this anymore!" My mom shouts. "You need to do your part too!"

"It's not my fault your son is disabled!" My dad yells back. I flinch at his words, even though I am more familiar with them then I would like to admit.

"Don't bring Asher into this!"

"Well it's true!" My dad argues, "If he wasn't sick, you wouldn't even take any notice in me. You just want me around for my money!"

"Don't even start that with me." My mom snaps back.

They always fight, mostly about money because there's never enough of that. My mom tries to convince me otherwise, but I know it's my fault. If I had never been born maybe things would be different.

"I'm so tired of this." My mom says, her voice giving away her exhaustion. 

"I'll give you two options." My father says, the tone of his voice making me flinch. "Either you put that thing up for adoption and we pretend that he was never here, or  you keep doing whatever this is with the hospitals and you will never see me again."

Tears spring to my eyes as I wait for my mother to make a decision. What would happen if  I had to leave? Would I be allowed to take anything? What would I take even if I was allowed to take anything? My medical binder, my guitar, my  photo album. I don't have a lot of meaningful possessions.

"Get out then." My mom says. I imagine her staring blankly at my father with tears in her eyes, at least I hope she's crying. "I will not do that to my son just because you don't have the guts to step up and love him."

I hear my dad scoff. "You'll regret that Brenda. I give you two years before you realize that he's not worth it."

I hear the front door slam, his car start up, see the shine through my bedroom window as he pulls away.

I finally let myself cry, because I know that I'm the reason my mother and sister just lost a father and husband, because I can't be normal for one minute.

I wake up in a cold sweat. The world is dark around me, but the sun set gives the room an orange coloring, casting strange shadows across my room.

The whole day comes flashing back to me like a wave. The whole memory of the day twisting in my stomach like I ate something spoiled.

I take a deep breath, closing my eyes and leaning against my pillow.

 My mind goes to Portland again. I hope she doesn't hate me. I tried really hard not to tell her, because whenever I tell someone, I scare them away.

I manage to fall back to sleep after a while, but this time I dream of her. It makes sleep much more manageable.