Embracing the Dark (PSYCH SERIES #1)

Chapter 18

Trigger Warning: Suicide/ suicide attempt.

-

I looked at the moon and stared at it. It was enchanting to look at, it felt like I was being hypnotized by its beauty. It felt like the moon was offering itself to me and I must come up immediately.

Muli kong tinignan ang pinanggalingan ko. Ang tanging nakikita ko lang ay ang mga puno at ang ilaw na nagmumula sa kotse ng pulis. Blanko kong tinignan ang kabuuan ng kagubatan.

Matayog ang mga naglalakihang kawayan na siyang nagsilbing armas ko para makatago sa halimaw na humahabol sa akin.

I covered my mouth using my hand when I felt like I'm going to cry again. I can't cry, I'm still not sure if Tito Rey was caught by the police. I need to run and hide!

"Ah!" I groaned when I felt the pain in my stomach.

Oo nga pala, may saksak pa ako. I can't believe it, I was stabbed in the stomach, I fell from a second-floor house, and I was abused to death... and yet here I am, alive.

Umupo ako sa tabi ng isang kawayan at tinago ang sarili ko doon. Nagsimula naman akong punitin ang ibabang parte ng damit ko para may ipangtakip sa sugat ko.

It's bleeding badly and I must put pressure on it.

Kamusta na kaya si mama? Is she alive? Is she okay?

Again, I cried and mourned for my mom. Ilang beses kong pinukpok ang ulo ko sa sobrang galit sa sarili. I killed her. I killed the most beautiful woman in the world.

"Idiot," I uttered.

She closed her eyes in front of me. She smiled weakly in front of me. She was shot in front of me.

Now, can I really convince myself that she's alive?

I sighed and closed my eyes.

I am so disappointed in myself. I planned it all earlier, I am going to save her and she's going to live a happy life. She's going to be safe and if that means that I'll die, then I'd gladly accept death.

But why did the fucking opposite thing happened to us?

It was supposed to be me who's lying on the rough sand. It was supposed to be me who was shot. It was supposed to be me who's dead by now and not my mom!

She was shot! In front of me! And I did nothing! Instead, I ran away!

What a fucking loser I am.

While I was mourning, fireworks started to appear in the sky. Sobrang lakas nang pagkakaputok nito sa himpapawid at iba rin ang taglay nitong ganda habang nasa taas.

Sinulyapan ko ito hanggang sa mawala. I smiled sadly because of that.

My life wasn't perfect. It's flawed. I don't have a perfect family and heck, I don't even have a dad. What I am saying is, even if my life wasn't perfect I was contented with it.

It was okay for me to live that imperfect life because I was with my mom. My imperfect world turned perfect because of my mom. She was the one who saved me when I was supposed to kill myself.

Now, how am I supposed to live a life that's full of shame and regrets? How am I supposed to live a life without my mom?

"Akiro..." I whispered.

Akiro. Akiro was the one who made my life happy. He was the one who made my colorless world... colorful. He was the one who brought colors to my life and I will always be thankful for that.

Gustong-gusto kong pumunta sa kaniya ngayon. Gusto kong magsumbong. Gusto kong umiyak sa mga bisig niya at isumbong ang ginawang kahayupan sa amin ni mama. Gusto ko siyang puntahan pero hindi ko magawa.

Si Beatrice, hindi siya perpekto. Alam kong malungkot din ang buhay niya. Alam kong sa bawat pagngiti ng mga mata niya, may nagtatagong sakit at poot para sa mundo. Gusto ko rin siyang puntahan pero alam kong hindi pwede.

I'm so scared that Tito Rey will haunt me. I'm so scared that he might follow me wherever I go and if I go to their houses, then I'd put their lives in danger.

Pinatay ko na si mama, hindi pwedeng dahil sa akin ay mapapahamak din sila.

I closed my eyes and tried to feel something but instead, I felt nothing.

I can no longer feel the whispers of the wind, I can no longer feel the calmness of the waves, and I can no longer feel the beating of my heart.

I can't feel them anymore. I am deaf. Hearing all of my surroundings made me connected to each one of them.

Now that I can no longer hear, it felt like my world turned upside down again. This time, more severe.

Binuksan ko ang mga mata ko at sinikap na maglakad patungo sa karagatan.

I smiled bitterly when I thought of something.

Before, I used to say that I live for the moments where my mom and I would sit by the beach and stare at it.

Now, I would die to experience those again... because I know that it'll never happen again.

As I slowly walk towards the water, I started to embrace the fact that my life is a mess... and there's no way I can fix it again.

As I slowly reach the water, I felt nothing but security. Beaches have always been my comfort place. Growing up, I was surrounded by the beach and my mom loved it so I loved it too.

At kung sakaling mamamatay man ako, mas gugustuhin kong mamatay sa lugar kung saan masaya ako.

I want to die in my happy place. I want my last breath to be memorable for me, I want to die here, on the beach, who was loved by my mom.

I will gladly accept my death and meet with her.

Ma, hintayin mo ako diyan, ha? Susunod na rin ako agad.

I touched the water as I walked deeper. Hinayaan kong hawakan ng mga kamay ko ang bawat alon na nanganggaling sa karagatan.

Dinama ko ang hampas ng alon. Alam ko kasi na ito na ang huli.

Kahit hindi ko naririnig ang bawat paghampas, masaya pa rin ako na naramdaman ko ang alon sa mga kamay ko sa huling pagkakataon.

Malapit na

Wala na akong maapakan. I can't touch the ground anymore. I smiled and swam farther from the shore.

Habang lumalangoy, hindi pa rin mapigilan ang pangngiti ko dahil sa huling araw ko, naranasan kong lumangoy.

I swam until I got tired. Hininto ko ang paghampas ng mga kamay at paa ko sa alon hanggang sa unti-unti akong lumubog.

Ipinikit ko ang mga mata ko at hinayaan na lumubog an aking katawan sa pinakamalalim na parte ng karagatan. I smiled and gladly accepted my death.

At last, I can be with my mom again.

Paalam na.

And just like that, I became one with the dark.